Project "Genesis"

[Boroda]

Originally posted by Yedyge "-exec-" Kakimzhanov.

==============================================

it was popular in RuNet a time ago, and i encountered it again recently.
dunno was it originated from russian or english lang... i have a russian copy and i decided to translate it to english.
so, translating names are not easy to me. must be many errors. in general text too.
here we go.
___________________________
Project "Genesis"
(extraction from workflow)
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Gabriel, Head of Marketing Department
"Researches that our department undertaken under "Genesis" project resulted in conclusion, that the best perspectives on the market exist for systems with parameters listed:
a. planet: 1 piece
b. radius: 3000km
c. gravity: 0.5g
d. ratio solid terra : water = 1:1
e. temperature: +24°C
f. atmosphere: oxygen
g. seas: sweet water
h. rivers: milk and honey
i. fauna: herbivores
j. periphery: 2 luminaries (day/night), speed 0.0007RPM (1 turn per day)"
"Forward to strategic analysis department for preparing requirements specification" -Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Michael, Head of Strategic Analysis
"In search for system cost reduction, we suggest to supply the power for both luminants from the same power source, and to replace oxygen with nitrogen"
"At least 50% of oxygen must be left, or else user will suffocate" - Head of Test Department Rafael
"25% will suffice" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"During the works on "Genesis" project (stage "Let there be Light") we encountered problems described below:
We don't have a compact source of uninterruptible light that distributes the light between two luminants. I suggest to use a standard source of light of "Red dwarf" type, as a night luminant we suggest to use the mirror".
""Yellow dwarf" is preferable. It costs a little higher, but it looks much more respectable" - Head of Marketing Department Gabriel.
"It's a server source! Why the single planet could need it for?" - Lucifer
"What user needs and what doesn't must be explicated to him by Advertisement Department" - Gabriel
"Lucifer, engage questions related to your own specialization. I approve "Yellow dwarf"" - Yahweh
"A propos. Having such a brightness given by Yellow dwarf, we can use a usual planetoid instead of the mirror" - Michael.
"I agree" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"After adjusting requirements specifications we have problems listed:
the mass of uninterruptible light source hardly overcoming the mass of the planet. Due to that, the source renounces to rotate around the planet. Instead of this, the planet rotates around the source. Moreover, due to source power we observe a stable temperature excess over requirements specification. If we will increase the distance to the source, we will have the dimensions of the system risen."
"Dimensions, they are even prestige. But the turning of the planet around the peripheral device can lead in complexes of user. Can we change gravitational constant?" - Gabriel
"We can expect compatibility problems after modification of the constant" - Michael
"Does it matter for user, what is turning around what? Let Advertisement Department to contrive some relativistic theory" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"After increase of orbit radius, the acceleration of the planet up to specified in requirements specifications leads to the system crash (planet fly away to Cosmos). By the way, the same problem is with night luminant too."
"It doesn't matter how system works, it's important what user sees. Why not to make the planet rotating around own axis? In such case user will think that Sun and Moon turn around planet with the frequency specified." - Gabriel
"Will user guess that?" - Yahweh
"Even when user guess that, the project will be launched for long time already" - Gabriel
"I agree" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Rafael, Head of Testing and Technical Support Department
"Initial tests of the system revealed defects listed:
1.We have stable overheating
2.Rotation axis deviated by 33° from the vertical, therefore temperature anomalies appeared
3.River output does not meet requirements specification
4.Herbivore fauna is absent
5.Orbit is unstable. The planet tends falling onto the Sun"
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"1.And what did you expect from such water/ground ratio? It's needed about 1:3-1:4 ratio for optimal cooling
2.We are working on it
3.Milk souring, honey candying"
4.Herbivores need in grass. Grass doesn't grow with such heat and lack of water. I suggest to fill rivers with water. This could solve problem 3 simultaneously.
5.We will establish additional planet in external orbit, as a gravitational counterweight"
"Solid ground could not be decreased anymore, therefore the aquatory must be increased. It will increase gravity force. And a spare planet too..." - Michael
"Never mind, user will cope that. Extra planet will be documented as a feature. But milk and honey are advertised already. At least observable rivers must be of that." - Gabriel
"I remind you that time is ticking, and we haven't done any results yet. By the way, designers haven't demonstrated the project of horse, they are still working on dinosaurs. Who needs those dinosaurs?" - Yahweh
"In general, user loves dinosaurs" - Gabriel
"O.K. But the horse must be too" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Rafael, Head of Testing and Technical Support Department
"1.In additions to axis unresolved problems, the planet tends to go to Cosmos
2.Herbivore fauna is still absent"
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"1.We will introduce one more counterweight. This time in internal orbit.
2.Fauna multiplied, eaten all the grass and died."
"How many counterweights are needed?" - Michael
"In general, we managed to stabilise the system with 9" - Lucifer
"Am I understanding it correct? User will get nine planets instead of one?" - Yahweh
"So what? 8 of them are not convenient for life, anyways" - Lucifer
"And what are system dimensions?" - Yahweh
"And user don't have to know them. Half of those planets one cannot see without telescope. I suggest to add to user manual a statement "Don't invent telescope"" - Gabriel
"No need. Or else they invent it" - Yahweh
"A propos, after increase of orbit radius the brightness of night luminant fallen below project minimum. I suggest to install mirror instead of it." - Rafael
"Where have you been before?! We just got the system balanced! You want everything to be retuned again?" - Lucifer
"No "again"s, any! There are six days when project must be handed. Lucifer, you must get all this working, or you'll be demoted!" - Yahweh
___________________________
To Yahweh, General Director
From Lucifer, Head of System Engineering Department
"Is it my guilt that have no requirements specifications in time?!
All in all:
Axis inclination must be left as is. At least Eden garden will have +24°C. If user will go somewhere, it will be his own problems.
Dinosaurs cannot be made by the moment required. But horses look to be exactly in time.
We failed with milk and honey, so we let the water into them. But it brings salt into sea.
To prevent herbivores from eating all the flora, we released a patch in the form of predators. But we don't have time to install software that distinct user from prey.
In general, all this must work."
"And it is good" - Yahweh

[aztec]

[Boozer]

then there's my favorite....


TALKING MEAT

A dialogue by Terry Bisson.  
From a series of stories entitled "Alien/Nation"
in the April [1991?] issue of _Omni_.




"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it.  We picked several from different parts
 of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all
 the way through.  They're completely meat."

"That's impossible.  What about the radio signals?  The messages to
 the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from
 them.  The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines?  That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines.  That's what I'm trying to tell you.  Meat
 made the machines."

"That's ridiculous.  How can meat make a machine?  You're asking me
 to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I 'm telling you.  These creatures are the only
 sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei.  You know, a carbon-based
 intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat.  We studied them for
 several of their life spans, which didn't take too long.  Do you
 have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me.  Okay, maybe they're only part meat.  You know, like the
 Weddilei.  A meat head with an electron plamsa brain inside."

"Nope.  We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
 Weddilei.  But I told you, we probed them.  They're meat all the
 way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right.  It's just that the brain is made
 out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you?  The brain does the thinking.
 The meat."

"Thinking meat!  You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat!  Conscious meat!  Loving meat.  Dreaming meat.
 The meat is the whole deal!  Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod.  You're serious then.  They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes.  They are indeed made out meat.  And they've been
 trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind."

"First it wants to talk to us.  Then I imagine it wants to explore
 the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information.
 The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea.  That's the message they're sending out by radio.
 'Hello.  Anyone out there?  Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then.  They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes.  Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio?  Meat sounds.
 You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise?  They
 talk by flapping their meat at each other.  They can even sing by
 squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod.  Singing meat.  This is altogether too much.  So what do
 you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any
 and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without
 prejudice, fear, or favor.  Unofficially, I advise that we erase
 the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit.  Do we really want to make
 contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent.  What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.
 How's it going?'  But will this work?  How many planets are we
 dealing with here?"

"Just one.  They can travel to other planets in special meat
 containers, but they can't live on them.  And being meat, they
 only travel through C space.  Which limits them to the speed of
 light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact
 pretty slim.  Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who want to meet meat?  And the
 ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed?
 You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do.  We went into their
 heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to
 them."

"A dream to meat!  How strangely appropiate, that we should be
 meat's dream."

"And we can marked this sector unoccupied."

"Good.  Agreed, officially and unofficially.  Case closed.  Any
 others?  Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence
 in a class nine star in G445 zone.  Was in contact two galactic
 rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not?  Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
 universe would be if one were all alone."

[aztec]

Funny stuff guys