This may be relevent very soon.
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow
of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely ! ! place in the Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so
I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle
so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have
to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my bellybutton on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. ! ! Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess
I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all
day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried
find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says
I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so
cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed
and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the *******
is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't
she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the son of a ***** who drives that snowplow,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know
he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE *****
is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for
a million dollars for the bump on his head. The
wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Seriously, congrats on your home and lifestyle that suits you.
