From the program The Fast Show, Swiss Toni is a car salesroom manager.
SWISS TONI
[CH walks into the office and catches RT off guard]
CH Do I find you reading a book, Paul?
RT Yeah - sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, well, it's a guide book. I'm goin' campin' at the weekend.
[slight pause as CH sits on the edge of the desk]
CH Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
SWISS TONI
[int. car showroom - CH comes striding in, his right arm in a sling]
CH Morning, Paul!
RT Oh, are you all right?
CH I see you've notice the... sling. I got this from a woman. And before you jump to any conclusions, Paul, I might add that it was from her Volvo.
RT What - you had an accident?
[slight pause]
CH I have been to the brink of death and back. In a nine car pile-up on the dual carriage-way.
RT Really? Wh-what was that like?
[slight pause as CH puffs himself up for his entendre-laden oration...]
CH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear- ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
[CH leans against a desk]
CH Picture the scene, Paul. My horn is jammed on. All I can see is her Volvo coming at me at a hundred and twenty miles an hour. "My God!", I thought, "now I'm going to eat Volvo!"
[slight pause]
CH And then... in I went, with a terrific bang.
[slight pause]
CH And finally... it was all over. And I just lay there, with a cracked big end, covered in leaking fuel, waiting for the emergency services to pull me out.
[CH gets up, and starts to lead RT to his office]
CH A word of advice, Paul - never try to light up a cigarette after a nine car pile-up.
Swiss Toni More Fast show sketches
