Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands
no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and
"fixing" guys like myself. (If you haven't read it yet, go NOW and read
Kim du Toit's "glorification of the Western Male" essay.)
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE
whoopee DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with ****. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "dealing with ****" portion of The
Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself
will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the
long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family
in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to
a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because
Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH
****. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. Buck up *****.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a windsor knot when wearing a tie
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang
on drums to bond with other guys. That **** is gay. However dressing in
kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and
drinking heavily is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has
enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret
until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini
has ****ing gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In
fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small noodle. Massage
and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small
noodle, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with ****.
Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The
Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.
Note:
Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexaul may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preffered method
of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons
a retrosexual can cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a
loved one, death of a pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case),
loss of a major body part.
