JOB APPLICATION
NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE:
7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and
defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove
a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion,
thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the
military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending
doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting
the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed
atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or
something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans
Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the
military. I deplore the military!
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my
counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get
admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no
real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women
and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record,
exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently
failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets,
thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted
for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I
voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have
no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes
significantly if I am elected. My wealth so far exceeds that of my
counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or
little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any
voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700
million. I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the
U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit
from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although blame
George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country. Although I
claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I
oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might
spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
I ride a Serotta Bike. My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying
Squirrel. I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the
"Scarmouche."
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real
culture.
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket
summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient
vehicles and I blame George Bush for the energy problems.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
