Author Topic: jokes (Read 1152 times)

JB88 · « **on:** January 24, 2005, 08:15:29 PM »

anyone heard any good ones lately?

hawker238 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:16:35 PM »

Nash · « **Reply #2 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:21:18 PM »

I can't never remember them. They could be as funny as hell, but 15 minutes later it's just gone.

I do, however, have in my limited repertoire what is in fact THE most horrible, awful joke ever devised. There exists none lower.

But there's no frickin way I'm sayin' it here.

Lazerus · « **Reply #3 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:25:24 PM »

old one

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

spitfiremkv · « **Reply #4 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:31:31 PM »

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Lazerus · « **Reply #5 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:32:57 PM »

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you, I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Lazerus · « **Reply #6 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:43:02 PM »

I found this one funny for some reason.

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?" "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

Lazerus · « **Reply #7 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:53:12 PM »

OK, last one. Heard this one years ago, still makes me chuckle.

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

RedTop · « **Reply #8 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:55:09 PM »

Blonde walks into an office where another blonde is sitting ata desk typing away. The blonde asks the other that is typing what that Big Silver thing was on her desk. The Blonde replies it is a Thermos. She says really what is it for? The blonde answer her saying it is to keep hot things hot and cool thiongs cool. The one blonde asks her , well what do you have in it. She said she had her lunch. She then asks what her lunch is. The blondes answer is....Hot Soup and a Popsicle.

JB88 · « **Reply #9 on:** January 24, 2005, 09:55:41 PM »

SaburoS · « **Reply #10 on:** January 25, 2005, 03:44:16 AM »

A girl is skipping home from school. "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?! I could count up to twenty today and the rest of my classmates could only count to three! One, two, three,(she counts quickly through to)twenty! Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" Says her mother, whistfully.

The following day the girl is skipping home from school and again exclaims with excitement:
"Mommy, I could say the whole alphabet today while my classmates could only go to 'G'! See? A, B, C,..(she continues excitedly to complete the alphabet) Z!
Is that because I'm blonde mommy?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" Says her mother, whistfully.

The next day the girl skips home from school. "Mommy! Mommy! I saw that I have these! (She lifts up her sweater to reveal a pair of 34DD's) The other girls don't! Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No dear, it's because you're 26."

JB88 · « **Reply #11 on:** January 25, 2005, 04:29:34 AM »

Flyboy · « **Reply #12 on:** January 25, 2005, 06:08:19 AM »

Q:How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde
and a slab of concrete?
A: A slab of concrete only gets laid once.

Did you hear about blonde who was so dumb she tripped
over a cordless phone?

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Get'em on their back and their both ****ed.

Darkish · « **Reply #13 on:** January 25, 2005, 07:19:40 AM »

Did you hear the one about a blonde given a vibrator for her birthday?

- she knocked her front teeth out.

Lye-El · « **Reply #14 on:** January 25, 2005, 07:43:28 AM »

During World War II a pilot was being interviewed for a radio news program about the air battle that the pilot had just fought.

[Interviewer} So you were in the big dogfight today?

[Pilot} That's right....

[Interviewer] So could tell our audience about the fight?

[Pilot] It was the biggest dogfight I've ever seen, There were Fokkers ahead of me, there were Fokkers above me and Fokkers behind me and...

[Interviewer interrupts] Hold on, for our audience I must point out that a Fokker is a type of German aircraft.

[Pilot} That's right! And those Fokkers were Messerschmitts.....