Is David Hasslehoff a Ninja?
By Kotu Hirogashimoto Katnamasaka, ninja death master, eyeball ripper outer, 10th degree.
Copyright 1985, Ninja Times Magazine.
One should never underestimate a Ninja. Through my many years of backflipping, freakng out and tearing out the eyes of my opponents i have come to find this to be one of the most crucial lessons that a young ninja can learn.
when seeking out a ninja in the modern setting, few pirates recognize that they can be everywhere, take on any form and kill without ever being detected or even suspected.
Some of the worlds most high ranking ninjas are even prominent members of society who go unseen each day, each of them fullfilling thier role as ninjas through backflipping, nunchaku wielding and the ancient art of poo defense amonst other traditional forms in total secrecy.
David Hasselhoff is just such a ninja.
On Oct. 15th 1981, an order was handed down by the grand high ninja, master quang tu ho, commanding that a particularly deadly young ninja by the name of mike Wolpowski was to travel to hollywood and infiltrate the scene; thereby making it possible to assasinate pirates who travelled high in the social circles of the global entertainment industry.
having already proven himself worthy of intricate forms of deception and disguise, young wolpowski realized that in order to fulfill his duty he was going to have to select only the most brilliant of disguises. one day while he was watching television while spin kicking his pirate dummy an episode of magnum PI came on.
he was instantly enlighted.
he realized two very important things at that moment.
1. action heros get all the chicks.
2. action heros get invited to all of the best parties. (where he can get access and assasinate the high ranking hollywood pirates)
having been enlightened, the young wolpowski changed his name to david hasselhoff and set off for hollywood.
things were tough for hasselhoff at first. the greatest difficulty came with his appearance...being a relatively unatractive man, he realized that he was going to have to change his look so he sought out the help of another well known ninja, arnold schwartzeneggar to direct him towards a good image reconstructionist.
after several months of grueling classes and runway excercizes, hasselhoff was ready and he began sending out headshots.
he landed his first series shortly thereafter in the role of the lead action hero Knight Rider. it is rumored that during this period he and Kit were directly responsible for the death of over 100 pirates who tried to kill them season after season.
(turn to page 173 for rest of article.)
