Author Topic: 88's advice column (Read 1426 times)

RTSigma · « **Reply #15 on:** March 31, 2005, 05:09:03 PM »

Is it wrong to put on blackface and try to get into Harvard with a scholarship even though I stink at basketball?

Oh I also want James Earl Jones as a teacher.

Holden McGroin · « **Reply #16 on:** March 31, 2005, 05:42:58 PM »

Dear 88,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street and, hopefully, the heroin habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

(I know it's Olden, but this thread cried out for a classic)

JB88 · « **Reply #17 on:** March 31, 2005, 05:49:04 PM »

RTSTIGMA ASKS:

Quote

Is it wrong to put on blackface and try to get into Harvard with a scholarship even though I stink at basketball?

Oh I also want James Earl Jones as a teacher.

i dont see any problem with advancing yourself by pretending to be a minority to gain scholarly advantage, but you may have to follow a few steps first.

1. you have to become an easilly forgivable teen idol at the height of your very short career.

2. you have to find a girl to serve as your secondary plotline.

3. she will have to discover your secret which will cause you great pain and agony.

4. you will have to be forced to go back to your normal whitebread life and wait for step 5.

5. you will have to look surprized when james earl jones shows up to tell you that the university has reconsidered and they want you back just like you are...just like they do in real life all of the time.

6. you wll have to look surprized when the girl shows back up...having forgiven you for your foibles...as happens all of the time in real life...AND you will have to live with that girl for the rest of your life even though she will develope a drinking problem a club foot a third eye and saggy boobs...

she wont be able to cook her way out of a paper bag.

but for a few brief years she will be the shining pinnacle of your manhood.

oh...and you are going to have to fake an injury somewhere in there to avoid having to play basketball.

oh, wait. i dont think that you have to be all that good to play harvard basketball.

88

Drifter1234 · « **Reply #18 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:34:52 PM »

Speaking of Basketball who should I bet on this weekend in the final four. Leaning toward the Tar Heels but lose when I bet from the heart.

Slurpee · « **Reply #19 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:38:40 PM »

Can i get aids from my hand? Should I use protection?

Panzzer · « **Reply #20 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:42:09 PM »

Where's Ripsnort?

JB88 · « **Reply #21 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:50:54 PM »

Quote

drifter asked.

Speaking of Basketball who should I bet on this weekend in the final four. Leaning toward the Tar Heels but lose when I bet from the heart.

i tend to bet on the team with the hottest cheerleaders.

but go with your gut anyway, if you lose the bet you can write and ask for advice on how to manage your gambling addiction.

JB88 · « **Reply #22 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:52:30 PM »

Quote

slurpee asked,

Can i get aids from my hand? Should I use protection?

slurpee,

it depends on what else you are using that hand to play with.

always better safe than sorry.

JB88 · « **Reply #23 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:53:33 PM »

Quote

Panzzer asked
Where's Ripsnort?

you want 88's psychic chat...down the hall, to the left and up the stairs...1st door on the right.

Slurpee · « **Reply #24 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:56:37 PM »

hmmm, this brings the question. If i "do it" in a dream, but have not "done it" in real life. Am i a virgin?

eskimo2 · « **Reply #25 on:** March 31, 2005, 06:58:07 PM »

JB888,

How do I tell all of these JBNumberGuys apart? Are they really all the same, or are there subtle differences between them?

eskimo

lasersailor184 · « **Reply #26 on:** March 31, 2005, 07:01:34 PM »

JB88, SIE is the polite form of You, as well as they.

So basically he was saying, "Kind sir, you are a handsomehunk." But much more offensive like.

And is BlueJ taking german or something?

BlueJ1 · « **Reply #27 on:** March 31, 2005, 07:22:39 PM »

We used to make fun of eachother on country channel in german back in the day. Unless Im confusing him with someone else.
First question asked why you are so ghey ?

JB88- Warum so unheimlichen Lasersailor-Geruch tut?

Panzzer · « **Reply #28 on:** March 31, 2005, 07:28:26 PM »

Dear JB88,

it's almost 4:30 am here in Finland now... I don't have anything important to do tomorrow, so should I get one more drink now or should I go get some sleep at this time?

Thank you...

edit: I actually went and got some sleep, which was good, because today has been sunny and warm (+10 degrees C), a nice day to be out...

JB88 · « **Reply #29 on:** March 31, 2005, 09:28:49 PM »

Quote

Slurpee asks
hmmm, this brings the question. If i "do it" in a dream, but have not "done it" in real life. Am i a virgin?

yes. sorry.

but really this is an advice column, so i will naturally extend this question to "how do i go about transiting the line from nocturnal emission to money shot."

dear slurpee.

in order to make the transition from nightime valentino to real life pron king i usually recommend a few important but easy to accomplish tasks guaranteed to set your love life on fire.

a. move out of your parents house.

b. get rid any and all pocket protectors and replace them with a nifty little electronic PDA with lots of blinking lights...women like sparkly things.

c. buy the entire collection of tom waits cd's and practice singing them in the mirror...

d. quit looking at pron. it kills the desire for real game.

e. never wear black socks with shorts, instead, find a nice pair of comfortable sandals...trim your toenails, repeat from time to time.

f. and this is the hardest but the one most likely to get you to hallowed ground...ask her to a movie...suggest a chick flick. works every time.

oh. and never underestimate the mystical powers of alchohol. fruity drinks for the lady work best.

(if they are of age of course)

88