For you parents of daughters and those with sons about to date those daughters.....
Subject: Rules for Dating A Daughter
Rules For Dating My Daughter
I was recently asked about the rules I imposed on boys dating my
daughter when she was young and innocent. Being the reasonable
person I am, I set forth my rules on a sheet of paper and gave them
to each little perverted bastard who came to the door. Here they are:
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order
to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to
know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house; and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six : I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is
darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have
one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and the knowledge of how to
dispose of you. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the
driveway wwhen bringing my daughter home, you should exit your car
with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password ---
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early --- then return to your car. There is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window will be
mine.
Mav
