Retrosexuals

[StarOfAfrica2]

Some lady over at the SASS forums posted this.  Thought I'd share it with you guys for a kick.

The Retrosexual Code  

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods).

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.

This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "!@#$%" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.

Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.etc.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.

Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)

NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

[SOB]

Oh snnnap!  You go sister!!!

[Roscoroo]

pass the wipes ...

























For the coffee on my screen .

[Nilsen]

lol.. im in trouble

[spitfiremkv]

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.


Only if civilization ends will I hunt!
But mess with me and I will kick your bellybutton till you cry like a metro without moisturizer.

[SMIDSY]

i cried at the end of "Gallipoli" but who didnt want to? communists and ugly people, that's who. i just had the testicular fortitude to do it.



PS
in my defence, that was the only movie i have ever cried over.

[StarOfAfrica2]

Some movies are ok.  Perfectly allowable, for example, if you cried when Old Yeller died.  Long as you at least tried to hide it.  

[kevykev56]

Originally posted by StarOfAfrica2
Some movies are ok.  Perfectly allowable, for example, if you cried when Old Yeller died.  Long as you at least tried to hide it.  

Since most males who cry while watching Old Yeller are children, and this Retrosexual applies to Men. If a man cries at Old Yeller that would exclude him from the category. DEAL WITH IT.

[Skydancer]

Believe it or not I'm pretty retro. Though a real man doesn't need a gun as a blunt instrument is better ! Takes more guts to wield  and is far more discriminating and the millitary bloke should be able to stand if he can't then what the hell is he doing in the Millitary?

What I'm not is a blunt headed ignorant macho pillock. Probably why I managed to find myself a fine lady to marry! Who knows?

[midnight Target]

Well, "Sleepless in Seattle" got to me a little, but not as much as "You've got Mail" or "When Harry Met Sally".

[lazs2]

what is a man doing on a "bus or commuter train" anyway?

and.. skyprancer nailed it.. once you have lived long enough in a land where the effeminate have taken away your guns... you won't even remember that how fun they were or how to use them.  You will fall for the old " a cricket paddle is just as good" line that the girls put on TV for you.  

That kind of crap leads to wearing helmets and seatbelts in sedans.

lazs

[Jackal1]

Originally posted by lazs2

That kind of crap leads to wearing helmets and seatbelts in sedans.

lazs

................and a warped affection for dayglo colored leather.

[deSelys]

Crying during movies is forbidden, ok. But is it allowed to jump, woot and spill his beer when a boob or a (female) butt appears? Or is it too retrosexual??

Btw the only movie which made my eyes water was Schindler's list, and I'm not ashamed of it one bit.

[Skydancer]

Dayglo leather? Jackal1 now there's clear evidence you know nothing about me! I don't own a dayglo anything much less would I be seen dead in one!

Women advising the use of cricket bats ( whatever ) to hit people with!!!! Blimey Lazs I don't know what women you keep company with but I wouldn't want to piss em off

Over here a Sedan is a comfy chair. And a Helmet is just plain sense man or woman.

Take out the gun sentence and retro is me I'm afraid.

[Gunthr]

My brother tells me that his new son-in-law is an actual metrosexual.  I don't have anything against people like that, but its the funniest thing.  This guy is a total gentleman and treats my niece well, so I can't complain.  My niece, who sells advertising for a radio station, asserts that he is NOT homosexual. But he paints his fingernails with clear nail polish and keeps them long and has them "done" at a manicuring place.  Reportedly he dresses very well - all the time.  He has a weird thing about "meat on the bone." He explained to my brother that its just one of those things... it just makes him "ill" to be present anywhere there is meat on the bone - like ribs, chicken, turkey, etc.  

My brother is a deer hunting, Vietnam vet with a tractor and a barn where you can find deer hanging most of the year.  My brother's 7 year old daughter took a garter snake to this metrosexual fella to show it to him, and he had to leave the patio and go into the house.   But they say he is a good guy.