KAOS Agent: Look, I'm a sportsman. I'll let you choose the way you want to die. 
Maxwell Smart: All right, how about old age? 
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Maxwell Smart: I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand, is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill? 
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Maxwell Smart: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator. 
Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things. 
Maxwell Smart: But he doesn't know I'm a secret agent. 
Chief: Well, how do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you? 
Maxwell Smart: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue. 
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Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes. 
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic. 
Maxwell Smart: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled. 
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Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment. 
Maxwell Smart: I resent that, Chief. 
Chief: Do you deny it? 
Maxwell Smart: No, but I resent it. 
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Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon. 
Maxwell Smart: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days. 
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused. 
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see. I went in on a Friday... 
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Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year? 
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. 
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization? 
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. 
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year? 
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. 
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart? 
Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me. I know too much. 
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Agent 99: Sometime I wish you were just an ordinary businessman. 
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman. 
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Agent 99: Oh, Max, how terrible. 
Maxwell Smart: He desereved it, 99. He was a Kaos killer. 
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max. 
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world. 
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Agent 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this. 
Maxwell Smart: There's something more important than medals, 99. 
Agent 99: What? 
Maxwell Smart: It's after six. I get overtime. 
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Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee? 
Agent 99: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it? 
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town. 
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Maxwell Smart: You can't do that, Chief. Hymie's my friend. 
Chief: Your friend busted into my office, said he was going to kill me, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands. 
Maxwell Smart: Well, I said he was my friend, not yours. 
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Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that, Chief.