KAOS Agent: Look, I'm a sportsman. I'll let you choose the way you want to die.
Maxwell Smart: All right, how about old age?
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Maxwell Smart: I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand, is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?
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Maxwell Smart: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
Maxwell Smart: But he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
Chief: Well, how do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic.
Maxwell Smart: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.
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Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
Maxwell Smart: I resent that, Chief.
Chief: Do you deny it?
Maxwell Smart: No, but I resent it.
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Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.
Maxwell Smart: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see. I went in on a Friday...
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Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me. I know too much.
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Agent 99: Sometime I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.
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Agent 99: Oh, Max, how terrible.
Maxwell Smart: He desereved it, 99. He was a Kaos killer.
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.
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Agent 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
Maxwell Smart: There's something more important than medals, 99.
Agent 99: What?
Maxwell Smart: It's after six. I get overtime.
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Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
Agent 99: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.
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Maxwell Smart: You can't do that, Chief. Hymie's my friend.
Chief: Your friend busted into my office, said he was going to kill me, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I said he was my friend, not yours.
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Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that, Chief.