Need an opinion dealing with a smoker...

[Seraphim]

I recently moved in with my girlfriend, she lives with her mother. Now we get along very well, can hang out or have drinks and what not, but her smoking is killer. at 1st I didnt mind too much (who am I to question it?), but she recently said she would stop, mainly for her health reasons. Needless to say, she hasn't stopped yet, and I don't believe I have the right to step in and make a big deal about it, because it is her house. However, my argument is the obvious stink (everyone thinks I smoke now) and also my gf's daughters clothes, the impression given to her school. She expressed interest in gardening, and I bought several plants, seeds, and growing stuff for them (whatever it's called). I also am interested in helping get more stuff to keep her busy & get her mind off of smoking, but of course, it can't happen into the night.
My question is mainly for smokers/ex-smokers: what would it take to stop? Am I doing right? or not enough?
Thanks in advance

[Chairboy]

In the end, it's her call.  It's easy for you to be an anti-smoking nazi, but it's also easy for you to be a doormat that gets walked over if you don't do anything.  If it really bothers you, tell her frankly.  Don't expect to be able to change who she is, it'll be up to her to decide whether or not she respects you enough to start and complete the difficult task of not smoking.

You could try just asking what you can do to support her stated desire to quit smoking.  This way you're giving her an opportunity to tell you what you can do without you being bossy.  She might say "Thanks!  I want you to be a jerk about  it if you see me smoking" (seriously) or she might say "Butt out, this is my deal".  Either way, you'll get further than just sitting there waiting for her to pick up your thoughtwaves.  Just don't nag unless asked to.

[Seraphim]

That's the main reason I started buying the gardening stuff, it was her idea to get back into gardening to help stop smoking. She has told me that she is glad I'm around, because of my respect for her. I'm only asking if there are any other avenues I could seek to help her stop.

[Mustaine]

no one will ever quit unless they really want to in their heart. not just "it's not good for me i should quit" or any other reason,.

i smoke, think about quitting every now and then, for the same "health" reasons... but like everyone else i know, i probably wont quit unless i truly "want" to.

[storch]

you want to tell someone to quit smoking in their own home?????

[megadud]

my mom was a smoker and she quit, i hate smoking so here is my advice.

when she isn't looking take her ciggarettes and flush them or throw them away, if she asks act innocent and say you don't know. give her lots of gum.

[Shifty]

Well the obvious answer would be for you to move into your own house instead of hers. Then you can dictate the smoking rules.

[Naso]

If your problem is the smell, try to convince her to start smoking handmade cigarettes.

There are good brands of tobacco that dont include ammonia or coccoa in the mixture (do some research to why those substance are added), and generally the hand made cigarette tobacco is a lot less smelly of the factorymade cigarettes, for many reasons.

I use mainly the "Drum" brand. a lot of non smokers tell me that it almost dont smell or has a good smell.

And use Rizla papers, thin type.

Quit smoking, is a whole different beast (dont tell her this: ).

It's one of the stronger and harder phisical and mental adductions existing.
It can be said that after quitted, nobody is completely safe.

The worst periods are during the first 2-3 years, when the phisical reactions are still strong, and one may wrongly guess to be out and safe.

Oh, judging to the people that I know that have quitted smoking, the only real way to do it, is to.... well..... DO IT.

Just that.

And stick with the decision made.

(And you can tell her the above part).

[ChickenHawk]

As an ex-smoker I can tell you that the addiction is stronger than any relationship.  Given a choice between smoking and you she will pick smoking without hesitation.

Given that information, you have to realize that nothing in the world will make her stop if she doesn't want to.  The desire to quit has to be greater than the desire to smoke.  It took me over ten years of trying to quit before I was really ready to kick it for good.

It's a real good sign that she says she wants to quit.  She will need a lot of support from you without you being bossy or naging her.  I've heard that the average smoker quits something like five to ten times before they quit for good, so chances are that she will have failures.  It took me about that many times over a decade.  Be prepaird for the long haul.

Every smoker is different but in my opinion it's not too much to ask that she smoke outside the house and not in the car.  Of course if it's her house you might have some trouble convincing her of the wisdom.  I smoked for 14 years and never smoked in the house.  The smell gets over everything and even as a smoker I found houses that were smoked in disgusting.  Smoking in the same house that a child is living in is totally irresponsible.

The most important thing to remember is that you can not change her, just encourage her gently.  She was a smoker when you met her and to her, it's a part of who she is.  

I know my wife put up with a lot when I was a smoker and I know it wasn't always easy.  Good luck to you.  It's worth sticking it out.

[Seraphim]

By no means am I trying to 'dictate' the rules. Simply put, I have no objection with her smoking, only inside the house. I mainly brought it up because I don't want to step on her feet about it, and am looking for the best way to bring it up. Living in cali, it's pretty much impossible to support my family and afford our own house. But thanks for the advise guys, sounds good.  I'm going to discuss further with my gf and hopefully gain some ground.

[straffo]

hmmm ... you want her to stop and give her all the tool for growing weed in here garden ?



More seriously as a past (and sometime current) smoker there is not a lot you can do.
Try to have a modus vivendy with her until she stop really, like asking her to smoke only in some parts of the house,like kitchen or garage.

[Saintaw]

Is it her house? If yes, your question is moot.

[Sandman]

[rshubert]

1.  She (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) left the room every time I lit up.  When I finally noticed and asked why, she (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) told me that the smoke bothered her.

2.  She never went after me as the problem.  It was always the cigarettes at fault, not me.

After a year or so of this, I got to the point that I wanted to quit smoking.  But man, it's hard to take the plunge.

So the final kick was this:  One November day, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas.  She said, "All I want is for you to quit smoking."

I put down the cigarettes that very minute, and haven't smoked since.  Quitting was really hard, but I got it done, because I wanted it for me and for her.  The lesson?

SHE must want to quit.  Not be nagged into it, but WANT to do it.
YOU must show her that it is important to you.  Then you must put up with several weeks of withdrawals (it will be like super PMS, without the nice part).  Patience is your weapon.  Support her when she needs it.  Don't try to be clever or sly when you make a negative comment about smoking.  If she coughs, occasionally metion that it sounds like it hurts.  Be solicitous.  SHE will make the connection between the cigarettes and the cough--be sympathetic when she does.

In other words, manipulate her.

[MrRiplEy[H]]

Bah you're young. Find a non-smoker unit. She'll stay fresh longer, too.

God knows I've regreted getting involved with a smoker.