22 RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 21st CENTURY AMERICA 1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that
yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all
on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social
Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives,
yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and what
your official language should be.
5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't pray to
Allah, Krishna or Buddha.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
8) You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about
their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have no
regulation or interference whatsoever.
9) You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus shares
your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black in
America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for
Alan Keyes.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend
$50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. president has
ever been unfaithful to his wife.
12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is
bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all
Americans.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because
we all know if teenagers don't have condoms, they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad
because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association
is good because they defend the Constitution.
15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that
Europe doesn't exist.
16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve
federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the
public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it,
it will go away.
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of
6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible,
which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts
for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid
for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all,
the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the
extinction of the
several species of plants and animals therein.
21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but
that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
22) You have to believe that the Federal Government should always respect
the sovereign rights of the States to determine and define their own laws,
except when you need to elect a Republican as President.
If you conservatves can dish it I'm sure you can take it as well.
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We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother
Sisu
-Karnak
