Author Topic: A Newbie's Guide To Texas (Read 869 times)

StSanta · « **on:** February 06, 2001, 01:35:00 PM »

This is an explanation to texas, for your average layman. It's written by some people with true expertise on Texas, and must be considered very factual. No unsubstantiated claims are made here.

Texas And The Extinction of The Dinosaurs
Contrary to popular belief, the dinos did not die out. The Texans simply relocated them to Texas to make it more convenient on hunting trips. Some might not believe it, but just take a look at the average size of a steak at a Texas barbeque and it will be clear.

Texas and guns
There are guns in Texas. In fact, the guns have initiated a bill that will result in equal rights for guns, including voting rights. Some Texans are unhappy about this as it means that a united Guns could easily overrule all Texans simply by all going to the polls of voting. They outnumber humans 2:1. A current bill also has introduced a new form of slavery; all guns must own a pickup truck and a human, and are to be driven around, telepathically ordering his himan to shoot at roadsigns when appropriate.

Texas and weather
It's either too damned hot, or there's a blizzard. Not much else to say, other than the snow mobile season tends to quite short. Snowmobiles are needed to drag offpist skiers, though.

Texas and laws
Don't get caught. Instead of having different forms of punishment, Texas relies on one with lots of variants. Breaking and entering? 2 minutes in the electric chair. Missing a roadsign with a shot? Four minutes. Murder? Chair on "charcoal" settings. By far the worst crime seems being incapable of eating twice your weight at a barbeque, or missing a roadsign after only 14 beers.

Texas and cars get a pickup, and a gun rack. The guns will be irritated if you don't, and you won't be able to command any respect from the natives if your vehicles isn't able to climb Mount Rushmore and guzzles as much gas as an F16 on afterburners. And get an AMERICAN picup; all that foreign crap just doesn't cut it.

Texas and the rest of the US
Texans prefer to drop the word "rest" in the sentence above, since, basically, all other states are a big appendice that should be surgically removed.

Texas and wildlife
There's coyotes, prairedogs and dinosaurs to shoot. And cattle. Oddly enough; Texans have voted for the inclusion of Roadsigns into the family of mammals.

Texans and roadsigns
It's considered a duty of every Texan to hone their shooting skills. This is done by shooting road signs and is an excellent way of showing your patriotism and devotion to your nation. Other than that, the numbers indicate Mach and the rest are to be ignored.

Texans and hats
As a general rule, the hat size should be equivalent to the amount of beer you can drink without stopping to breathe.

Texans and Washington
Infiltrated those bastards. YEEEEHAW.

What am i forgetting here?

------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"

"I don't necessarily agree with everything I think." - A. Eldritch

[This message has been edited by StSanta (edited 02-06-2001).]

[This message has been edited by StSanta (edited 02-06-2001).]

Ripsnort · « **Reply #1 on:** February 06, 2001, 01:54:00 PM »

The silence is killing you, isn't it StSanta?

StSanta · « **Reply #2 on:** February 06, 2001, 02:38:00 PM »

Rip, it means I dinnae miss anything, so it ain't

.

------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"

"I don't stand by anything I've said in the past."

Eagler · « **Reply #3 on:** February 06, 2001, 02:51:00 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by StSanta:
Rip, it means I dinnae miss anything, so it ain't .

StSanta

I think it's that you don't get anything ... so for your little life to have meaning, you stir the pot

Eagler

StSanta · « **Reply #4 on:** February 06, 2001, 04:22:00 PM »

Eagler, pretty offensive "little life".

Pretty satisfied with it; I get to do cool stuff that many don't and have xeperiences I treasure.

Little life, to me, is being trapped in the standard life ow grow up get education get job et wife get kids retire die.

Each to his own, I presume.

But you gotta admit, stirring the pot can be fun

.

------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up space"

Toad · « **Reply #5 on:** February 06, 2001, 05:14:00 PM »

I didn't think so at your age either but now I believe kids are probably the absolute best part of life.

A man with fine children is a rich man indeed.

NATEDOG · « **Reply #6 on:** February 06, 2001, 05:15:00 PM »

Most common road sign in the Sheltered Nation of Denmark.

------------------
Nathan "NATEDOG" Mathieu
Art Director
HiTech Creations
-=HELLFIRE SQUAD=-

".... And on the eighth day, God created beer. "

StSanta · « **Reply #7 on:** February 06, 2001, 05:44:00 PM »

ROFL! Nate

.

Irritating to get run over shagging a sheep, i'd imagine

Children, aren't they those 18 year diseases that people frequently get?

.

Seriously, my bro got kids, I can see the value they add to life. Having them doesn't mean an end to all the cool stuff; unfortunately, it seems (at least here) that so many people live gray lives.
------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up space"

[This message has been edited by StSanta (edited 02-06-2001).]

Maverick · « **Reply #8 on:** February 06, 2001, 08:05:00 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by StSanta:
ROFL! Nate .

Irritating to get run over shagging a sheep, i'd imagine

Children, aren't they those 18 year diseases that people frequently get? .

Seriously, my bro got kids, I can see the value they add to life. Having them doesn't mean an end to all the cool stuff; unfortunately, it seems (at least here) that so many people live gray lives.

Just remember. YOU are your parents "little" disease. Are you saying you are the Denmark poster child for retroactive birth control???

Mav

rogwar · « **Reply #9 on:** February 06, 2001, 08:52:00 PM »

Us Texans also have a good sense of humor! That was pretty funny. I'll have to copy it and send to others.

One thing though....we don't have many home invasion roberies because so many people have guns. I'm not even a fanatic and I have several as well as my conceiled carry permit.

But as I generally say it's better to pack fudge any day than heat...

Adios amigos!

rogwar

StSanta · « **Reply #10 on:** February 06, 2001, 11:35:00 PM »

Maverick; lemme put it this way: *I* would not want to have a kid like me

.

Funny thing is my friends around me are starting to get kids. I am getting older

.

------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up space"

Toad · « **Reply #11 on:** February 06, 2001, 11:53:00 PM »

Santa,

I kid you not. Raising sons was/is tough.

But my 21 year old son is not only my son now he's a man that is also my best friend.

The 16 year old boy is still in that stage where they are convinced that "Dad is a total A-hole". The older one went through that and I did with my dad as well.

So, I'm looking forward to the end of this rite of passage. In another 5 years I'll have two sons that are also my best buddies.

I had a blast on a week long hunting trip with the older one over Christmas break from college. I think he did too.

Fun to end the day in front of a fire with three good dogs at your feet, a bottle of 18 year old Macallan and a good friend that also happens to be your son.

All the trial and tribulation seems pretty insignificant then.

-towd_ · « **Reply #12 on:** February 07, 2001, 12:08:00 AM »

i vote with the 16 year old

Toad · « **Reply #13 on:** February 07, 2001, 12:48:00 AM »

LOL!

Yeah, but unlike you towd, he isn't a sour old curmudgeon. He gets up in a good mood every single day and stays that way.

He and I bump heads and egos when I insist that a man honor his word, that a man be responsible for his actions and that a man be accountable for his actions.

Too bad your daddy didn't insist on that with you, eh?

He'll be like his older brother. In fact, he's starting to swing around already. Maturity comes faster to some than others, so there's probably still hope for you!

StSanta · « **Reply #14 on:** February 07, 2001, 04:41:00 AM »

Toad, aye, I understand what you're saying. The teen years seem to be very much a thing parents generally aren't enjoying though. Knowing how I was in my teens, I wouldn't wish it on myself

.

And I believe one should plan parenthood - once one feels emotionally mature enough to have children, one should. But not before. I seriously doubt the judgement of some of my friends; one has been able to grow with the task, another has not. It's irresponsible towards the kid to have it before one is fully prepared for the years ahead.

To me, that's not now. Even if I was, I wouldn't want them before I've experienced some things and accomplished some of the planned stuff I have in mind. I am too selfish to want a kid; seems (at the moment) like I wish to spend my resources (which are very limited) on ME ME ME, not some ungrateful bastard that'll call me an a-hole and on purpose try to piss me off

.

Kudos to *anyone* who can bring up a good kid.

<S!>

------------------
Baron Claus "StSanta" Von Ribbentroppen
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up space"

Author Topic: A Newbie's Guide To Texas (Read 869 times)

-towd_