Author Topic: Ultimate ultimatum (Read 1430 times)

Neubob · « **on:** September 19, 2006, 05:29:34 PM »

I'm currently trying to reconcile with my wife(I did a divorce thread a couple months back when it was at its worst). I'm 29, she's 22, we've been married for about 15 months. We've been separated for about 3 of those months, but seeing each other regularly. The cause of our problems has always been jealousy. We haven't given each other much tangible reason to be jealous, it's just in our blood. As an observer once told me, there'll always be a third person in your relationship--somebody, anybody that just by living and breathing, will cause friction. It's usually been stupid crap. She's got ex-boyfriends, whose mere existance on this planet pisses me off. I have ex-girlfriends. We never met any of each others former significant others, of course, so it's strictly imagined--which may make it worse yet. But now, the problem has taken on a bad twist. She's just informed me that it's either her, or my mother. I pick one, and quit communicating with the other ( I'm allowed holidays, but no more frequently than that). Plain and simple, wife or mom.... Thing is, I'm close with both my parents, always have been, and such a change, while theortically concievable, is impossible to visualize. Yes, I'm mad that she could even ask for such a thing, but I love her, and I'm supposed to be able to do anything for her, right?

Stringer · « **Reply #1 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:33:35 PM »

The cause of your problems is immaturity....by both parties.

Neither one of you are ready for a long-term, significant relationship.

detch01 · « **Reply #2 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:39:51 PM »

That kind of jealousy isn't healthy and it will turn love to hate in a heartbeat. Faced with that situation I'd wish her well and call it quits. Good Luck Neubob, you're going to need it either way the situation works out.

asw

Kaw1000 · « **Reply #3 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:43:00 PM »

Go with Mom...send that wench down the road!!!!

Meatwad · « **Reply #4 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:53:17 PM »

This is just me, but if you have really close ties to your family (parents) they should come first.

nirvana · « **Reply #5 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:55:56 PM »

If you have to do anything for her, then she should do the same to you, that's how I understood the contract. having never been married though, i'm not sure. I wish you good luck sir.

LePaul · « **Reply #6 on:** September 19, 2006, 05:57:47 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Stringer
The cause of your problems is immaturity....by both parties.

Neither one of you are ready for a long-term, significant relationship.

Agreed

Consider it a blessing that you realized this just wasnt meant to be befor the years passed and children arrived.

rabbidrabbit · « **Reply #7 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:01:48 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Stringer
The cause of your problems is immaturity....by both parties.

Neither one of you are ready for a long-term, significant relationship.

yup.

You both need to grow up. With each other is another matter.

bkbandit · « **Reply #8 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:03:10 PM »

Women are horrible creatures. They can make u feel great, youll be stronger faster smarter in all ways better then you have ever been in ur life. BUt then they can make u miserable, and turn u in to garabage. Its messed up that shes making u choose, why doesnt she like ur mother? What happen that she has problems with ur mom. Another thing is she just might be a power freak and just might want to hold that over ur head. U could always say fine i wont talk to her and lie, but thats just adding more problems into the mix.

I would get a nice muscle car(black or blue camaro) and disappear. Drive away and never come back.

tedrbr · « **Reply #9 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:05:32 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Stringer
The cause of your problems is immaturity....by both parties.

Neither one of you are ready for a long-term, significant relationship.

I third this notion.

No way either of you are ready to be with any one person for any length of time.

You pick her and alienate your mother..... you will loose both in the (very near) end. If you are giving each other ultimatums like that, you do not belong together. Period.

Go back to the repetative routine and drama of dating and breaking up and stay close with your family. Consider a mail order bride from a heavily catholic South American nation or from the middle east where they never talked to any male beyond immediate male family members. Or speak english.

Neubob · « **Reply #10 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:26:10 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by tedrbr
You pick her and alienate your mother..... you will loose both in the (very near) end. If you are giving each other ultimatums like that, you do not belong together. Period.

Go back to the repetative routine and drama of dating and breaking up and stay close with your family. Consider a mail order bride from a heavily catholic South American nation or from the middle east where they never talked to any male beyond immediate male family members. Or speak english.

I'm not giving ultimatums. For that matter, I'm don't let my jealousy go to my head. It's there, occasionally, but I think twice before ever letting it affect my behavior. I try to treat her with kindness and respect, and more than anything, understanding. Yes, I do insist on maintaining a relationship with my folks. They're not perfect but they gave me life, afterall, to say nothing of everything that they've given me since.

I did envision myself with her for the rest of my life. She was always stubborn and spoiled rotten, but in my mind, I turned those flaws into qualities I adored. She was perfect. I trusted and cherished her, and believed she would grow into a wonderful partner and mother. She always had brains, if not rationality. I figured it was just a matter of time before reason prevailed.

This, however, makes my head spin. I cannot answer her because it dignifies the request. I will not ask the same thing of her because I think it's silly. At the same time, I'm horrified of losing her for good. If nothing else, the separation taught me that I don't want that.

Tarmac · « **Reply #11 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:33:22 PM »

I don't know what you expect to hear besides what's already been posted. There's a reason everybody so far has said about the same thing.

If the two of you can't work your way through this in a civil and reasonable manner (asking your spouse to cut off contact with their parents is not reasonable) it's not meant to be.

Bail.

Scherf · « **Reply #12 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:38:17 PM »

Neubob,

If you stay with this woman, your life will be ****ed. Irrevocably and irretrievably. The issue has nothing to do with your mother, it has to do with your wife's need for power and control over you. Her need to control will NOT end with you cutting ties to your Mom.

Get out of the relationship, and stay out of it.

LePaul · « **Reply #13 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:43:35 PM »

Neubob,

We wont claim to know you...but based on what you've said and what we've all basically echo'd...we're just the 3rd party in all this. We're on the outside looking in. We cant claim to understand the emotions and such.

You asked, we answered!

I'm sure your logical mind agrees yet the heart doesnt want to acknowledge that.

We've all been strung up by some girl having a grip on our hearts who we knew just wasnt going to work out. Everyone deals with it in their own way

Good luck to you

Neubob · « **Reply #14 on:** September 19, 2006, 06:43:40 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Tarmac
If the two of you can't work your way through this in a civil and reasonable manner (asking your spouse to cut off contact with their parents is not reasonable) it's not meant to be.

Bail.

I didn't expect to hear anything different. When I ask, it's not always to get advice, it's sometimes just to hear my own beliefs reaffirmed. This whole thing has caused me some grief. It helps to know that there are others out there, distant and anonymous as they may be, that can empathize and nevertheless maintain a cool head. It helps me to, as Lepaul said, let the logical side prevail. That's why I ask.