Author Topic: Joke thread (Read 1084 times)

deSelys · « **Reply #15 on:** October 26, 2007, 08:41:16 AM »

Two goldfishes are in a tank.

One says: "I'll drive, you man the guns"

Chairboy · « **Reply #16 on:** October 26, 2007, 08:47:28 AM »

I see what you did there...

Airscrew · « **Reply #17 on:** October 26, 2007, 09:18:10 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by AquaShrimp
Stop being such dorks. The first joke was BY FAR the funniest.

Heres mine.

What do you call a cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair of cowboy boots?

A Texan with the crap kicked out of him.

Chairboy · « **Reply #18 on:** October 26, 2007, 09:34:07 AM »

NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi to its Headquarters by 2017
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nasa_announces_plan_to_bring_wi_fi?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

rabbidrabbit · « **Reply #19 on:** October 26, 2007, 10:18:43 AM »

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just crap my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crap my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

virgule · « **Reply #20 on:** October 26, 2007, 10:20:55 AM »

How does one call a legless dog?

Dont bother calling it, just pick it up.

Airscrew · « **Reply #21 on:** October 26, 2007, 10:22:23 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by rabbidrabbit
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

Grisbeau · « **Reply #22 on:** October 26, 2007, 10:39:10 AM »

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie"Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*****g rabbit!"

Dichotomy · « **Reply #23 on:** October 26, 2007, 01:45:41 PM »

Tiger · « **Reply #24 on:** October 26, 2007, 02:27:37 PM »

SO this woman goes to the doctor, she tells the Doc

Doc, I've got this problem, I am constantly passing gas. It doesn't smell and you can't hear it, but it's constant. I've done it like 6 times since you've been in here.

The Doc says, well here's a prescription. Take these pills for 6 days then come back and see me.

So 6 days pass, the woman comes back, the Doc says so...
The woman answers, Doc, I'm still passing gas all the time, but now it smells terrible.
The Doc answers and says, well we got your nose fixed, let's see what we can do about those ears.

Modas · « **Reply #25 on:** October 26, 2007, 02:42:36 PM »

” Along Chairboy’s first joke –

Svene is out fishing in his trusty row boat. Although he has thrown every lure, plug, and bait he has, Svene is still striking out. Sven looks around, seeing that he is alone on the lake, pulls out one last item, a quarter stick of dynamite. Svene looks around a second time, lights the fuse and nonchalantly tosses the dynamite into the lake. WHOOOM! A gyser of water shoots up quickly followed by several fish. Sven, grinning with his success, proceeds to pick up a few choice fish. While doing so, he fails to hear the sound of a motor boat coming up behind him. It’s the local game warden, who has been trying for several weeks to catch Svene in the act of something illegal.

As the warden approachs Svene, he yell’s “I finally got ya! I finally got ya!” He can barely contain himself with excitement.

Svene looks at the warden and lights another stick. The warden can’t believe his good fortune. Svene proceeds to toss the lit stick of dynamite into the warden’s boat.

“what the hell are you doing? Are you nuts” yelled the warden?

Svene sits back down in his boat and replies, “ya gonna yell, or ya gonna fish?”

AKIron · « **Reply #26 on:** November 06, 2007, 06:52:33 PM »

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party

lasersailor184 · « **Reply #27 on:** November 06, 2007, 07:38:31 PM »

The CIA had an opening for a Super Secret Spy. They had a lot of applicants, but got it down to the last 3 candidates. No matter which way they looked at it, the 3 men drew even, and none pulled ahead to take the job.

So they rigged up a final test to see the dedication these men had to the USA. They would give the men a gun loaded with blanks, and ask them to kill their own wives.

They brought the first man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."

The man immediately replied, "NO WAY! I'd never kill my wife!" He stormed out.

They brought the second man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."

The second man quietly took the gun, and went into the room. After quiet minutes, he came out crying. He said, "I'm sorry! I can't do it, I can't kill my wife."

They brought the third man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."

The third man quickly grabbed the gun, ran into the room. The testers heard 7 quick shots, a lot of screaming, and then loud crashing, followed by silence. The third man soon came out, looking sweaty and bruised. He told the testers, "You guys didn't tell me that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to beat the ***** to death with the chair."

MotleyCH · « **Reply #28 on:** November 06, 2007, 08:40:26 PM »

A French rifle for sale on ebay:

"It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."

texasmom · « **Reply #29 on:** November 06, 2007, 08:52:43 PM »

A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed.

When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey". When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is coffee, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast.

He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"? The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said 'back off lady I'm married'."