You don’t have to be a licensed mechanic to have a car that won’t start. Here are some simple steps that will save you money by preventing you from going to the mall.
STEP ONE: IGNITION CHECK
- Is the key in the ignition?
- Is it the car key?
- Are you turning it the right way?
- Does the motor turn over?
- Do you know what "turn over" means? (You married guys do.)
- If the motor doesn’t turn over, check the battery. Wipe off the top of the battery and lay your tongue across both terminals. Check your watch. If you blacked out for over an hour, the battery is fine.
- Remove a spark plug for a random test. Slide your ear lobe into the spark plug gap and have a friend crank the starter. If it works, you should now have a pierced ear.
When you’re satisfied that the ignition is okay, move on to the fuel check.
STEP TWO: FUEL CHECK
- Does the fuel gauge show gas?
- Does the fuel gauge work?
- Is there a fuel gauge?
- Have you ever looked at the fuel gauge before?
- Did your teenager borrow the vehicle and promise, swear, and vow on his honor to remember to gas it up?
- Remove the gas cap, do you see gas?
- Do you smell gas?
- Do you taste gas?
- Are you standing in gas?
- If you enjoy traveling, hold a match up to the gas filler tube.
- Disconnect the outlet tube from the fuel pump. Its probabally a metric fitting so you might as well snip her off with a pair of side cutters. Look down the end of the tube while a friend cranks the motor over. If you detect a fair amount of excess gas in your eye, the fuel pump is fine. Reconnect the tube with duct tape.
- Find every adjusting screw on the carburetor and turn them all the way one way. Try the engine. Now turn them all the way the other way. Try the engine again. Now set them all roughly somewhere in the middle.
- The automatic choke mechanism can rarely be fixed so whack it a few times with a hammer just for fun.
Now that you've ruled out ignition or fuel problems, move on to alternate starting techniques.
STEP THREE: ALTERNATE STARTING TECHNIQUES
- For an older car that has never had a tune-up or an oil change or a tank of brand name gas, the car battery may not have enough power. Attach battery cables to the terminals. Run the cables into the house and plug them into the stove circuit. Set your rad to 425 degrees and your engine should be done in about an hour. Baste lightly, serves six anxious passengers.
- Maybe the starting motor doesn’t turn the engine over fast enough. Take your car to the top of a big hill, or better still always remember to park at the top of a big hill, then turn on the ignition and roll it down. Pop the clutch often and with attitude. If the car wont start, try rolling it backwards down the hill. If that doesn’t work, try rolling it sideways into a ravine.
- Bring a crushed car home from the auto wrecker. Park it in front of your car and say, "This could be you." If a car wont start with threats, its finished. But you still deserve some satisfaction.
STEP FOUR: SATISFACTION
A saturday afternoon with a ten pound sledge hammer can really ease the frustration of a car that refuses to start. And when you have had your fill from every conceivable angle, hose it down with barbecue starter and give it a viking funeral. A stunning milestone in the battle of Man against Machine.
STEP FIVE: AFTERTHOUGHT
Make sure it’s your car.
