OK Man Admits To Kitten Abuse: Justice Administered Immediately
Oklahoma City, AP
Oklahoma resident A. W. Mac died today as a result from confessions of kitten abuse on the internet.
Authorities were alerted to internet forum postings from Mac, who had alledged that he had used small ferrel kittens to play golf with in his spacious back yard. As all internet forums postings are known to be better than evidence extracted in a court of law, local and state authorities have suspended all evidence gathering and investigations. "Just the internet forum confessions we found online were all we needed", said Lt. Dan Collins, who responded to the scene, "...we take these things pretty seriously around here", he added.
Mr. Mac was then apparently duct taped to his own driveway and his body run over repeatedly with a state police squad car. "That head popped like droppin a watermellon on concrete," an unidentified neighbor commented, "...and ya know, he was such a quiet man". "Since we can dispense justice on the street for these hienous types of crimes, we're saving the taxpayers money as well as prison space," Lt. Collins added, "..it sure will deter other kitten abusers."
Five kittens that were observed on Mr. Mac's front doorstep refused to comment, although our reporters cited one was recouperating in a tiny wheelchair attached to a tiny IV bottle.
This is the 139th such kitten abuse retaliation execution since Oklahoma passed the "Everthing You See On The Internet Must Be True" Law in November 2007. While the governor initially vetoed the bill, it was later passed by a 34 vote majority in the state house, suspending habeus corpus, right to a hearing, right to a speedy trial, and overiding death by lethal injection with death by being run over by a car.
Rep. Dave Mustatine (D) of Lawton sponsored the bill, backed by statewide members of the WHANSOHW Group (We Have Absolutely No Sense Of Humor Whatsoever) and radical members of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).
