Author Topic: Friday Humor...  (Read 481 times)

Offline 68Mason

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Friday Humor...
« on: September 10, 2010, 05:30:03 PM »
 My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
       She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
       "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
       I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
       I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
       And then the fight started........
Commanding Officer
68th Bombardment Squadron
"Fighting 68th"

Offline fudgums

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2010, 05:49:30 PM »
LOL
"Masters of the Air" Scenario - JG27

Offline Xtrepid

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2010, 06:31:32 PM »
 :lol That reminded me of this...


My (X)Wife was standing nude, looking at herself in the bathroom mirror.

She had just gotten home from a Doctors visit, and called me to the bathroom.

"Honey... the Doctor told me I have breasts of a twenty five year old."

I said... "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?"

She replied... "Your name never came up!"


X :salute



  SHOOT TO THRILL
"We don't hide crazy... we just put it on the front porch and give it a drink"

Offline Wayout

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2010, 07:20:44 PM »
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…

  For most people the sky is the limit.  For a pilot the sky is home.

Offline Penguin

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2010, 07:40:27 PM »
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…




Owned!

-Penguin

Offline Dichotomy

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2010, 11:32:18 PM »
Wayout that joke never gets old because I can see myself having that kind of bear trap moment :D
JG11 - Dicho37Only The Proud Only The Strong AH Players who've passed on :salute

Offline Tupac

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2010, 11:37:32 PM »
They don't like to be called dwarfs, they prefer the term "Vertically Retarded"
"It was once believed that an infinite number of monkeys, typing on an infinite number of keyboards, would eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. However, with the advent of Internet messageboards we now know this is not the case."

Offline Maverick

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2010, 02:28:08 PM »
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

‘Yes,’ I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
DEFINITION OF A VETERAN
A Veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a check made payable to "The United States of America", for an amount of "up to and including my life."
Author Unknown

Offline Grisbeau

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2010, 02:52:21 PM »
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'  The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, the young alien re-focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his noodle over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
IRON MAN - Fictional superhero.
Iron Woman - Simple command.

Offline Dadano

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2010, 02:55:52 PM »
Dano
Army of Muppets

"Furballing is a disease, and we are the cure... Oink."
-Twitchy

Offline ebfd11

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Re: Friday Humor...
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2010, 05:21:17 PM »
The other day I got pulled into a scalehouse, now I just woke up so I had bloodshot eyes.

The officer looked at me and asked if I had been "smoking" anything.

Not thinking I looked at the officer and asked him with his glazed eyes, have you been eating donuts??

Then the 3 hour inspection began.
PIGS ON THE WING 3RD WING

InGame id: LawnDart
RIP Skullman Potzie and BentNail