France Surrenders to Russia

[Scherf]

England, on the other hand, was a favourite invasion destination for every army within 1,000 miles until it came under the rule of a Frenchman.

[Hoplite]

Technically it came under the rule of a Norman, a Scandinavian descendent and only nominally under the rule of the reigning French monarch....Normans were as troublesome as their Viking forebears....

[guncrasher]

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." 

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. 

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. 

- The Dutch War - Tied. 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. 

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. 

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." 

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. 

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. 

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. 

- World War I - Tied on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. 

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. 

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. 

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

dont forget the invasion of mexico and the "cake wars".


semp

[Scherf]

Technically it came under the rule of a Norman, a Scandinavian descendent and only nominally under the rule of the reigning French monarch....Normans were as troublesome as their Viking forebears....

Yes, but "Norman" lets the English off the hook.


"Nooo nooo, old chap, we were never ruled by the French. We were ruled by Normans, you see.

Now, let me explain it to you.  Blahdeblah de blahde blahblah, sun never sets."

They can't play cricket, either.

[FTJR]

They can't play cricket, either.

Who?

the English?

[Scherf]

Yes, the English.

The Normans beat the English at cricket, too.

[Hoplite]

I don't care.  I'm Welsh.  My ancestors ruled the battlefield for two centuries and killed lots of French at places with wonderful names like Crécy, Poitiers and Agincourt.  

Killed lots of English come to think of it....and Scots....and Irish.....  Hell, just about everyone in Europe!  

[eagl]

Funny.

I will say however, that after visiting Paris I understand why France has previously made the decision to not attempt to defend the city.  Take the most impressive historical building or site you've ever visited, and multiply that times 100,000, and that's Paris.  They'd rather have new temporary landlords than risk having that place demolished, and after visiting and seeing it for myself, I can't really blame them.  Taking the long-term view, it's a reasonable approach to historical and cultural preservation.  Tyrants come and go but they want Paris to live forever.

[mechanic]

Excellent, thank you Danny.

As a British man it is my duty to rag on the French, though strangely it is also my duty as an Englishman to rag on the Welsh, Scots and Irish even though we all shagged the hell out of each other for fifteen hundred years and no one really knows who is who anymore. It is also my duty to rag on Germans, Spaniards, Italians and most other European nations. We have a soft spot for Belgians, probably because they make good chocolate and not because they do it to snatch children.

We quite like the Dutch because they are like Germans except with a sense of humour and less of a penchant for killing millions of us but still losing. Most people in Scandinavia are liked because they came over when we started creating Great Britain and shagged the hell out of us so no one really knows who is who anymore. Plus they produce some incredibly good looking females.

Most of the places we conquered we ended up friends with and sheepishly handed their country back, so they get to live here now and we pretty much get along ok these days. America definitely has to be ragged on because they kicked us out of their place ironically quite soon after we were happy to see them leaving our place.  Russia are left alone, apart from vodka jokes, because they are hard as nails. No one with a brain would get on Russia's bad side. Have you never played Risk? Canadians are not ragged on much because they pretty much have the best country in the world apart from possibly Australia or New Zealand.  Argentina get it rough but they deserve it, especially during the world cup even though Brazil are adored even though they always beat us.

These are just some of the Racial prejudices I... that we... must embrace as our duty to Britain.

[Hoplite]

These are just some of the Racial prejudices I... that we... must embrace as our duty to Britain.

Rule Britannia.  

I take offense to the ragging on the Welsh. The English owe them for their Empire and for keeping the Irish away.   That being said, I'm not sure why anyone would shag the Welsh.  Most of my distant ancestors I've seen pictures of were quite ugly.  That may, however, be an unfortunate trait of my family's specific gene pool and not a general trait of the Welsh race.  

Canadians do not have the best country in the world.  It's colder then hell.  I will grant they gave us Hockey, which is very cool, but that only really makes up for also creating the borefest that is Curling.  Finally, they play American Football* incorrectly...so there you go.


* Football has FOUR downs, canucks, not THREE.  11 players on the field, not 12.  Oh, and the field is meant to be 100 yards long, not 110!  I do like the idea of deducting a point for missed field goals though.  

[Hoplite]

Yes, but "Norman" lets the English off the hook.

Not really.  The Normans spoke French.

French is a wonderful language.  The only one I know that can make saying "I gotta take a dump" sound romantic.  Quite unlike German....everything in German sounds like "I gotta take a dump." 

[Hoplite]

Funny.

I will say however, that after visiting Paris I understand why France has previously made the decision to not attempt to defend the city.  Take the most impressive historical building or site you've ever visited, and multiply that times 100,000, and that's Paris.  They'd rather have new temporary landlords than risk having that place demolished, and after visiting and seeing it for myself, I can't really blame them.  Taking the long-term view, it's a reasonable approach to historical and cultural preservation.  Tyrants come and go but they want Paris to live forever.

Have you seen Rome?  Sorry, it may be due to my extreme love for Italian food and Roman history... but I'd visit Rome again any day over Paris.

[Arlo]

As a British man it is my duty to rag on ... the Welsh, Scots and Irish.

[mechanic]

That's the confusing thing Arlo, my surname is Cameron, the Camerons were scots highlanders. My mother was half welsh, half Irish. I was born in England.

Too much inter-shagging, I told you

[Arlo]

I'm not sure why anyone would shag the Welsh.