Jokes

[Volron]

Whats the difference between 100 dead kids and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

'Man it's kind of scary out here in the woods at night' said the 9 year old boy

'You think it's scary now I have to walk back out alone' said the man

 

[Oldman731]

Ok now that i'm done being a terrible person we may resume the normal jokes.

You haven't even started on the dead baby or Sheldon jokes.

- oldman

(but, just as an example:

Sheldon:  "Mommy, can I play the piano now?"

Mommy:  "Shut up, Sheldon, you know your hooks will scratch the keys.")

[skorpx1]

You haven't even started on the dead baby or Sheldon jokes.

- oldman

(but, just as an example:

Sheldon:  "Mommy, can I play the piano now?"

Mommy:  "Shut up, Sheldon, you know your hooks will scratch the keys.")

If you want dead baby jokes i'll give you one. (Warning it may be offensive to some.)





How do you fit 100 dead babies into a bowl?

With a blender.


How do you get them out afterwards?

With tortilla chips.

[MrRiplEy[H]]

I can't tell the jokes my wife told me here because it would definately lock this thread up  

Here's not one of hers:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

And another one:

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your bellybutton tomorrow

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Dichotomy]

One day Joe finds a genie lamp and decides to test his luck out. He picks the lamp up and gives it a good rub. The big giant blue genie pops out from the spout and says, “You may begin with your first wish”. Joe out of disbelief says, “YES ANYTHING I WANT?” The genie agrees and says, “there is a catch though, in each of your 3 wishes your Ex Wife will get double of everything you get’. Joe sits and thinks about it and says, “I think I can handle that!” The genie says “then what is your first wish Joe?” Joe thinks to himself and decides that his first wish is 200 million dollars. The genie says, “you do realize that your Ex Wife will get 2 million dollars you know that right?” Joe agrees and says he can live with that. The genie asks “What will be your second wish Joe?” Joe thinks for a little bit and says “my second wish will be to have a HUGE 40 room mansion”. The genie agrees and says “but your ex wife will get one 2 times the size ok”? Joe agrees and says “No Problem”. The genie then says “Joe you have one more wish what can I grant you?” Joe stops and thinks and finally says “ok, my last wish I want you to beat me half to death”

[Volron]

I can't tell the jokes my wife told me here because it would definately lock this thread up  

Here's not one of hers:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

And another one:

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your bellybutton tomorrow

 

[deadstikmac]

A joke... sort of





I was at the mall for Christmas one year and as we all know mall parking is just not a pretty sight.

A new Cadillac was waiting for a car to back out, as the car backs out a small "rice burner" Honda zips in the place where the caddy was waiting for, young kid jumps out and hollers to the "your too slow grandmaw, I'm young and fast" and runs off into the mall.

I couldn't believe what this kid had just done.... before I could even yell back at the kid....the caddy backs up to the end of the lane and then stomps on the gas ramming the Honda into the next row of cars. Then backs up and does this again.... and again... and again... over and over. This kid comes running back to his car being brutally destroyed in front of his eyes.

He is crying "why why why did you do that i will sue you"

A little old frail lady in her 90's gets out of the caddy looks the kid in the eyes and says "Son, you might be young and fast, however I am old and rich"













True story I watched the whole thing with my own two eyes and was crying from laughing so hard!

[MrRiplEy[H]]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally toejams in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[ink]

 

"half time....switch sides".......

[BowHTR]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally toejams in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

[ink]

what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......







































a good start.

[BluBerry]

what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......
a good start.

Don't hate the player hate the game 

[ink]

Don't hate the player hate the game 

 


superman is flying along....he is horny as a MF'er.....

he happens to look over and sees wonder woman sun bathing nude.....he thinks....hmmmm

I am superman I could fly over to her real quick get a piece so fast she will never know what happened...



Wonder Woman exclaims "what the hell was that"

the invisible man says " I don't know but my arse sure hurts"

[Karnak]

what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......

a good start.

What do you call 100 lawyers in a sealed room with water up to their chests?

















































Not enough lawyers....