Jokes

[Wildcatdad]

One time at band camp. . . .

I give you major props! That is a hilarious movie  

[SkyRock]

OK, so this baby seal walked into a club...

[GScholz]

Oldie but goodie...


Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A truck driver drives along route 66 and sees two desperate hitchhikers standing in rain. He decides to let them in.

After climbing in it appears that his hitchhikers are actually a pair of flaming homosexuals. They drive along in silence.

To break the silence the other homosexual suggests to play a game for fun. The trucker agrees. They whisper in eachothers ears for a while and then ask the truck driver: Say, aren't truck drivers supposed to be able to make huge farts?

The truck driver chuckles - why yeah, I've let a few bad ones rip in this cabin.

The homos: Oh great, so let's play a farting game. Let's see who can fart the worst!

The truck driver was up for the challenge. So the game begins. The first homo squeezes out a huge blast and the trucker has to open the window momentarily to ventilate.

- Pretty good one!

The second homo rips out his one. This time the windows fog up and the occupants almost die in the cabin. Again time to open the windows.

Then it comes the turn of the truck driver. He smiles and begins to push... He turns red faced and squeezes out a tiny snarl.

The two homosexuals giggle and look at each others: We can see who is the virgin in this cabin  

[wpeters]

A truck driver drives along route 66 and sees two desperate hitchhikers standing in rain. He decides to let them in.

After climbing in it appears that his hitchhikers are actually a pair of flaming homosexuals. They drive along in silence.

To break the silence the other homosexual suggests to play a game for fun. The trucker agrees. They whisper in eachothers ears for a while and then ask the truck driver: Say, aren't truck drivers supposed to be able to make huge farts?

The truck driver chuckles - why yeah, I've let a few bad ones rip in this cabin.

The homos: Oh great, so let's play a farting game. Let's see who can fart the worst!

The truck driver was up for the challenge. So the game begins. The first homo squeezes out a huge blast and the trucker has to open the window momentarily to ventilate.

- Pretty good one!

The second homo rips out his one. This time the windows fog up and the occupants almost die in the cabin. Again time to open the windows.

Then it comes the turn of the truck driver. He smiles and begins to push... He turns red faced and squeezes out a tiny snarl.

The two homosexuals giggle and look at each others: We can see who is the virgin in this cabin  

 

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A woman was traveling on a four engine passenger jet from Houston to New York. About half way to the trip there was some noise and vibration that stoped abruptly.

The pilot announced: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We're sorry to inform we had an engine failure and we had to shut down one of our four engines.

The woman called the flight attendant and asked her what does this mean. The flight attendant answers: This will not affect flight but we will be able to land approximately 45 minutes later than expected.

After she finishes her sentence the vibration and noise came back and stoped again abruptly. The pilot made a second announcement: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, it appears that we had to shut down also the other engine, there is no need to panic we still have two remaining engines.

The flight attendant was calming down the woman: Don't worry, this just means we'll land a little over an hour late to our destination.

The woman snapped back at her angrily: I'll say, if this keeps on going, we're going to be stuck up here forever!

[mbailey]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
  

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
  

Heh this was a good one, I actually read it a few weeks ago myself the first time

[ozrocker]

Last night I dreamt of tailpipes and mufflers.
I woke up exhausted 

Night before last I dreamt about wheels and rims.
I woke up tired


                                                                                                                                        Oz             

[fbEagle]

Dolby , Huskie and Krieg are sitting in a car.... Who is driving?


 











The cops!

[GhostCDB]

Girl, were you dropped by a B17 cause you're the bomb...

 

[ridley1]

So....as memorial day approaches, a veteran of the air war is talking to the class.

"we were over Frankfurt when we were jumped by a squadron of German Fokkers"

The children all start to giggle......he swore!

The teacher says, " now children....Fokker is a make of german airplane, it's not a bad word"

The vet looks at the teacher and says, " Well, yeah.....but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts"

[Tinkles]

So....as memorial day approaches, a veteran of the air war is talking to the class.

"we were over Frankfurt when we were jumped by a squadron of German Fokkers"

The children all start to giggle......he swore!

The teacher says, " now children....Fokker is a make of german airplane, it's not a bad word"

The vet looks at the teacher and says, " Well, yeah.....but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts"

 

[JimmyC]

jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

I know a guy addicted to brake fluid,
 he says he can stop anytime.

I did a theatrical performance about puns,
it was a play on words.

boom boom tsh

[MrRiplEy[H]]

Finnish, swedish and norwegian generals have a night out drinking. As night progresses they start to argue whose soldiers are the bravest.

The norwegian general says his men are so brave that they'll jump off a building if he tells them to. Naturally others demanded proof so they called up a private and climbed to the 4th floor.

The general gave the order and without hesitation the private jumped and splashed to the ground with a broken leg. The general turned around seemingly pleased.

The swede didn't want to be out done by this so he called his own private to the rooftop and commanded him to jump down. Without hesitation the private jumped down and broke multiple bones. The general saluted and turned around to the others - see, MY men are the bravest of all.

The finnish general called up his private and told him to repeat what the swede just did. The private looked at the general and said with his dialect:

Listen now mister. You can jump down there yourself if you want. I ain't crazy.

The general grinned and turned to the other generals: Now THIS is true courage, my friends.