Author Topic: lucas jokes (Read 221 times)

lazs2 · « **on:** January 22, 2002, 08:08:56 AM »

I know.. couldn't help it tho. These are off my "modified Healey" group...

A collection of Prince of Darkness jokes:
>
> Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden,
> unexpected darkness"
>
> Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
>
> Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
>
> The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three
> switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
>
> The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
>
> "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any
prob...
>
> Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
>
> It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's
> Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
>
> Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked
> the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they
> all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use,
> nothing happens!"
>
> Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began
> manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which
> didn't suck.
>
> Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had
> trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
>
> Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
> Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
> Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

lazs

Staga · « **Reply #1 on:** January 22, 2002, 08:18:56 AM »

Whoa now I've seen it all: Me agreeing with Lazs... When I was a kid I had 1969 Vauxhall. If there were morning dew in ground you knew you are going to walk

bigUC · « **Reply #2 on:** January 22, 2002, 02:31:43 PM »

Thx! A friend of mine knows someone who met a guy who owned a british car. This confirms the rumors of malfunctions and frustrations ....
(It was a used late 80's jag which lasted him 8-10 months - $10.000 down the drain+another $4-5000 in repairs)

Arfann · « **Reply #3 on:** January 22, 2002, 03:07:32 PM »

Why do the Brits drink warm beer? Lucas Refrigerators!

mrfish · « **Reply #4 on:** January 22, 2002, 03:41:44 PM »

1974 mgb survivor here.

funkedup · « **Reply #5 on:** January 22, 2002, 05:21:28 PM »

My Dad had English cars when I was growing up. I'll never own one.

RightF00T · « **Reply #6 on:** January 22, 2002, 05:30:33 PM »

Thought you were joking about George Lucas...didnt get the punchlines until I read it agian

Hangtime · « **Reply #7 on:** January 22, 2002, 05:42:13 PM »

Lucas; Prince of Darkness.. they guy who never drives at night or in the rain.

Had a '59 MGA. Loved it. Used to drive it around with the lil hatch behind the right seat open and a big wooden handled screwdriver tucked into the slot next to the emergency brake lever.

When the the lil strombergs would start to starve I'd whip that screwdriver up, flip it handle out and smack the fuel pump with it... she'd run sweet again till the generator turns dropped to idle.

Two 6 volt batteries in series, positve ground. used to have headlights for it on permanent back order. What a joke the electrics were in that thing.

Some years later I had a Spitfire. Loved it too. Tinkering with that thing was a saturday pastime... my daughter still remembers that car and the fun drives up the coast highway we'd take in it... and the un-fun drives back behind the wrecker. hehehhe.

Lucas. Amazing the brits needed a blackout during the war with engineering like that..

Weave · « **Reply #8 on:** January 22, 2002, 11:29:54 PM »

Bumper sticker on a MG: "All of the parts falling off of this vehicle, are of the finest British manufacture"

Having owned a few Triumph motorcycles in my upward quest towards a Harley, I'm very familiar with the failings of the Lucas electricial parts there in.

One day while tanking up my pan, an older yuppie pulls in next to me in a Jag XJ-12. He gets the gas going, then pops the hood to check the vitals. I looked over to check the V12 and the guy has everything polished and gleaming. You could tell he was really into this machine. He noticed me looking, so I said "You got that baby shined up pretty nice". He replied "I been working on it quite a while. I got one little oil leak that I just can't seem to get fixed." "What do expect"? I said, "It's a British machine". "Well your Harley's got a drip too" he retorted. "Yup" I said, "but it's just marking it's spot".

M.C.202 · « **Reply #9 on:** January 23, 2002, 12:05:08 AM »

Lord Lucas, true discoverer of the uncertainty principle, as applied to electrons.

I had a '57(?) 100/6 with the beloved six volt positive ground system. If it was dry (well, as dry as Travis AFB gets) it would engage the starter when I pushed the button, as it would when raining. But not in a fog or "mist". Not even a "clunk".

I replaced it with a '64 Alfa, and got better reliability

"Owning a Jag is like having a beautiful mistress who is great in bed, but is a hypochondriac who is sick 25 day of the month and has a pricy doctor ". I wish I could remember where I heard that

Why is there no such thing as a watch built by Harley (HD)?
It would shake your arm off, weigh 35 pounds, and leak oil on your shirt.
I would like a WLA though, an icon of its era. Who needs a B.M.W.?