Hangtime, one of our three cats died the other night. He was 12 years old, never been sick, but he hunted and was always bringing in rats and crap he'd killed. A few days ago he'd killed and partly eaten a grey squirrel- a ferocious American grey squirrel, the same one that has risen to the top of the British food chain and now attacks humans in Great Britain- and I'm thinking the only way he caught that squirrel was if it was sick, so maybe that was why he died.
So anyway, I find him dead in the garage, and thankfuly it was garbage collection day the next morning so he wouldn't sit in the trash can all week and start stinking.
I put his stiff corpse into a plastic garbage bag and toss him and everyone goes ballistic because they want me to bury the dead cat. It's raining out, it's dark and I'm in no mood to dig a hole in my back yard and, as I correctly reasoned, the cat will be buried far deeper in a landfill than he would in my backyard.
Secretly though I know that what will happen is a tractor will squish him out of that garbage bag like toothpaste out of a tube and the seagulls will eat his eyeballs out before they cover his layer of trash with fresh dirt.
Which is OK because I never liked that cat. He sprayed the interior of my truck once and the smell has now outlived him. I used to torment him by wearing dog masks and chasing him and putting clothespins on his tail but I quit picking on him when I noticed that I was his only friend.
Every animal and human in our neighborhood hated this cat because he sprayed everyone's car and toejam in peoples' front yards like a dog would- in fact I never once saw him bury a turd.
Now I'm feeling bad about not burying the cat like everyone wanted me to. I mean, throwing him out with the garbage was disrespectful. I don't know, maybe I'll take the family and our two surviving cats out to the landfill this weekend and we'll have a little service or something. We'll drive the pickup so I can dump my Christmas tree while we're there.
Oh, and his bellybutton smelled like catshit, too.
