D I L B E R T ' S R U L E S O F O R D E R
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow
is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't need him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?"
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
13. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.
14. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
15. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
16. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
17. The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.
18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
19. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
22. Following the rules will not get the job done.
23. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?
24. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
25. There's a fine line between genius and insanity.
26. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the
king.
27. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving isn't for you.
28. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Murphy's Twelve Basic Rules for Combat (or Business)
Incoming always has the right of way.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
If you're short of everything except the enemy . . . you're in combat.
When you secure an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Professional soldiers are very predictable, unfortunately, the world is full of amateurs.
When in doubt, empty the magazine. Or, when you're going down, fire all the guns.
Charles Plumb was a U.S.Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile.
Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Captain Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.
"I packed your parachute," the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"
Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute! , his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.
He called on all these supports before reaching safety. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important.
We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, or congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who
pack your parachutes.
I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute! And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain it: When we're very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what we do--we forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So my friend, each time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but rather that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile, just helping you pack your parachute !!!
Have you ever wondered what happened to those men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked or burned. Two lost their sons in the Revolutionary army. Another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or the hardships of war.
What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants. Nine were farmers and large plantation owners - men of means and well-educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence, knowing full well the penalty would be death if they were captured. They signed and pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts and died in rags. Thomas McKean was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers or both looted the property of Ellery, Clymer, Hall, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Rutledge and Middleton. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, after which she died within a few months.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that British Gen. Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. The owner quickly urged Gen. Washington to open fire on the dwelling. The home was destroyed. Nelson died a bankrupt man.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and grist mill were laid waste. For more than a year, he lived in the forests and caves, returning after the war to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later, he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Morris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians; they were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.
They pledged: "For the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow!
How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
" I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Miriam: What's that?
Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Miriam: Where did you get it?
Agnes: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely(she is, after all, over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks, "What brand do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel."The pharmacist fainted
