Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Melvin on December 14, 2011, 07:27:08 PM
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Greetings gents.
Due to extremely long hours and two equipment failures, the moral of the crew is very low.
Fortunately we have been able to fix the equipment and will be moving forward in the morning. However, everyone is in a bit of a funk. Even our normally jovial team leader is feeling blue (and he gets two weeks off starting tomorrow).
I need some funny jokes or anecdotes to tell on the ride to the shop in the morning. You know, something to make the gang crack a smile.
I haven't got any jokes of my own because I'm only funny looking. I actually loath humor.
Thanks in advance.
:salute
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
:lol :bolt:
*Some 30 years into the future*
George W. Bush has died, and has been sent to Hell. The Devil notices him and asks him to come over.
"You know Bush, I've been waiting a long time for you, but since you're so special, I'll make you a deal."
"What's the deal?"
"You get to pick your own punishment", says the Devil.
"Really? This was better than I expected!"
So the Devil leads Bush to the first room. He sees people being boiled alive in a huge cauldron.
Bush shakes his head, "No, I don't think I would like that."
The Devil then takes him to the second room. He sees people being skewered by multiple devils with pikes.
Bush shakes his head, "No, this is too painful."
Finally, the Devil takes Bush to the third room. Here, he notices John Kerry on a bed receiving a BJ from Sarah Palin.
"This is the definitely the room for me! I choose this one."
"Very well" said the Devil.
"Sarah, you're free to go."
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ppffffffffffttttttttttttttttt ttttttttttttt
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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Two guys are on the golf course, when they come up on 2 ladies that are playing. The two ladies offer to let the two guys play thru. The 2 guys decline figuring might as well let the ladies go first. The first lady swings and it is a great drive, straight down the fairway. The second lady swings, shanks and the ball falls off the tee. The second lady looks at the 2 guys and says" a lot of good those Fu(&/?!ing lesons did." one of the guys looks at her and says,"maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead". He never had a chance to duck.
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Give me that Windex bottle..........
:rofl These are good ones.
What's the difference between an onion and the bagpipes?
Noone cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
Why do bagpipers march when they play?
Harder to hit a moving target.
How does one get two bagpipers to play in tune?
You don't.
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We were so poor when I was a kid,
We used to go to KFC to
licked the other people's fingers.
:cheers: Oz
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What has four arms, four legs, and never works out?
Marrage.
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The Pope is coming to a local Parish for dinner, and in his honor they plan on serving him Loaves and Fishes in honor of Jesus feeding the masses... So as the priests and nuns go about readying the meal, a Nun and Priest go out to catch fresh fish for dinner. After a few hours, the priest finally lands a huge fish and drags it up to the Nun to be cleaned saying, "Would you look at the size of that Dirty SOB (cleaned up for here)?!?!"
The nun gasps and says, "Excuse me but I am a woman of the Lord, please don't speak to me this way!"
The priest explains, "Nonono, you see, I caught this fish and as God had Adam name the beasts of the world, I too have named this fish Dirty SOB, so it's not bad..."
The Nun nods seeing the wisdom in his words and says, "Well hand that Dirty SOB over here so I can clean him up." She scales and cleans the fish, and her and the priest return to the Parish to hand it over to be cooked. Upon arriving in the kitchen, the nun slams the fish on the table and says, "Brother, Fry this Dirty SOB up!"
The cook also gasps and says, "My good Lady, I am a man of the Lord, please speak respectfully and without curse in my presence!"
The Nun immediately explains the naming ritual and the cook nods and says, "Then hand that Dirty SOB over here and I'll fry it up!"
Finally the Pope arrives and dinner is placed on the table. The group says grace and unveils the fresh loaves and the huge fish caught earlier in the day. Upon seeing this prize catch the Pope states, "My my, what a lovely fish you've served me..."
Still excited from their catch the nun immediately pipes in, "Yeah, He caught the Dirty SOB, I cleaned the Dirty SOB up and he fried the Dirty SOB."
...the table goes silent, then the Pope exclaims, "Hey you F*#&ers are all right!"
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A elderly couple driving home from a event get pulled over by the police. The policeman walks up to the car.
The policeman says " Sir I am pulling you over for speeding.
The mans wife who is hard of hearing ask "What did he say?"
The man replies, " says he pulled us over for speeding."
The policeman says" Where are you going?"
The man replies," We are going home to the town of Cornhusker."
The wife ask." What did he say?"
The man says," wants to know where we are going."
The policeman says," I once dated a women from the town you live in. She was a real bi#%h."
The wife ask once again, " What did he say?"
The man says " The policeman thinks he has met you before."
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A elderly couple driving home from a event get pulled over by the police. The policeman walks up to the car.
The policeman says " Sir I am pulling you over for speeding.
The mans wife who is hard of hearing ask "What did he say?"
The man replies, " says he pulled us over for speeding."
The policeman says" Where are you going?"
The man replies," We are going home to the town of Cornhusker."
The wife ask." What did he say?"
The man says," wants to know where we are going."
The policeman says," I once dated a women from the town you live in. She was a real bi#%h."
The wife ask once again, " What did he say?"
The man says " The policeman thinks he has met you before."
:lol
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A priest and a nun went out for a round of golf.
They play and play and the priest plays a great game until the 16th hole.
He swings, and misses completely, and exclaims "Golly-geemit, I missed!"
The nun gasps and says "Father! Please! Your language!"
"Alright alright", says the priest.
He comes to the 17th hole, swings and misses again.
"F@$&!" yells the priest.
"Father! Please! It is not right to speak like that."
"Alright alright, if I ever utter another foul word again, may Heaven open up and God smite me down."
They get to the 18th hole, the priest lines up the putter, confident that he'll make it. Swings, but misses again.
"Motherf&@ker!! I missed again!"
Suddenly, the heavens open up, the clouds turn gray and a bolt of lightning comes down, instantly killing the nun.
The priest looks up and hears a loud booming voice.
"F@&$! I missed!"
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A priest and a nun went out for a round of golf.
They play and play and the priest plays a great game until the 16th hole.
He swings, and misses completely, and exclaims "Golly-geemit, I missed!"
The nun gasps and says "Father! Please! Your language!"
"Alright alright", says the priest.
He comes to the 17th hole, swings and misses again.
"F@$&!" yells the priest.
"Father! Please! It is not right to speak like that."
"Alright alright, if I ever utter another foul word again, may Heaven open up and God smite me down."
They get to the 18th hole, the priest lines up the putter, confident that he'll make it. Swings, but misses again.
"Motherf&@ker!! I missed again!"
Suddenly, the heavens open up, the clouds turn gray and a bolt of lightning comes down, instantly killing the nun.
The priest looks up and hears a loud booming voice.
"F@&$! I missed!"
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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A Catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar
He orders a beer
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I approve this thread...... :devil :cheers: :bolt:
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This thread went South in less than one page lol
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I was out walking my dog and passing a tennis court I find a tennis ball. So I picked it up, put it in my pocket and walked on. I passed a man who points at my pocket and says JESUS!! WTF is that?? I say its a tennis ball. He says, Damnit man ive had tennis elbow before, that must hurt like a bich!!!!
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This blond calls 911 in a panic, "help, help, my house is burning,". The operator replies,"you are on a cell phone ma'am. Were do you live?". The blonde of course replies, "Right across the street". After a face palm, the operator asks," ma'am how do we get to your house?". To this the blond indignantly replies,"In the big red truck, DUH."
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long, gonna have to paraphrase
A small school on the texas mexico border, all mexicans and 1 american lil jhonny, friday morn teacher says ok class we are going to have some history quest today. If you get it right, you get to go home early and have an extended weekend.
Q 1, which american pres freed the slaves?
lil johnny i know i know, teacher says maria, who freed the slaves. Maria says abe lincoln, very good maria have a nice long weekend.
Q 2, which pres chopped down the cherry tree?
lil johnny i know i know... teacher says Miguel who chopped it down, miguel says george wash teachr, very good miguel you get to go home and have a nice long weekend.
Q3 who was the first man on the moon?
lil johnny, I KNOW I KNOW PICK ME PICK ME. Teacher says Jose...jose says neil armstrong, very good jose you get to go home early and have a nice long weekend
Little Johnny is getting pst now. He puts his head on his desk and screams out "Where in the F did all these Mexicans come from??"
Teacher stands up and asks "Who said where in the fk did all these Mexicans come from??? ........Little Johnny?
Little Johnny stands up and says ,"Davey Crocket teacher, have a nice weekend."
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy rep......lies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
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Two gentlemen graduate from Texas A&M with their degrees in engineering. Tey decide that since the bungee jumping business is a small but prosperous line of work they should take their degrees and put them to work. Tey pool their money and buy the rig and tower, now they come to the hard part, trying to figure out where to install it and set up shop. They realize that it is going to be hard to find someplace in the states because all the good places are taken. They decide to go to mexico city and set up shop there. Tey move their equipment to Mexico City and erect the tower, three months after they graduated, they are ready to try it for the first time. They flip a coin, Bubba gets to take the first dive, Junior fastens him up and wishes him luck. They look down and the crowd of people is huge, Bubba says this is gonna make us rich, look at all those people and he jumps. On the rebound Junior notices that he has some bruises on him, on the second bounce Junior sees that he is really bruised, so Junior reels Bubba in. "Bubba what happened!?, How was it!?". Bubba replies, "It was great, but what the he// is a piņata.
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This thread went South in less than one page lol
Nah.... Didn't go south until the cowboys came in :D
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What do Bull Sperm and a Politcian have in common.
Answer
1 in a 1000 work.
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this happens to be my fav joke in the last year... the visual still cracks me up:
Q: WHAT IS THE WORST THING A WOMAN WHO JUST GAVE WILLIE NELSON A **** JOB CAN HEAR?
A: "UMMMMMM.........I'M NOT REALLY WILLIE NELSON"
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So after coming home from the war, the radio station wanted to interview the local fighter pilot. The radio guy asks the Army Air Corp pilot what what his most dangerous mission was. The aviator replies,"well it was a long range escort mission for out bomber boys. We were deep in German territory, I looked out the right side and there were about 30 Fokkers, I looked out the left side and there were about 20 Fokkers, I didn't know what we were gonna do.". The radio announcer pipes up, worried about the censors, and explains," ladies and gentleman Fokkers are a type of plane.". The Air Corp pilot then explains," Yep, and those Fokkers were Messerschmitts."
I know it is a great joke, but supposedly that really happened.
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A guy walks into the optometrist. After a few minutes the doctor calls him into the examining room. The doctor says to the guy,"You have got to quit masterbating.". The guy gets a worried look on his face,"Why doc am I going blind?". "No" the doctor replies,"you are disturbing my other patients."
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A guy walks into the optometrist. After a few minutes the doctor calls him into the examining room. The doctor says to the guy,"You have got to quit masterbating.". The guy gets a worried look on his face,"Why doc am I going blind?". "No" the doctor replies,"you are disturbing my other patients."
:lol, I think I've heard something similar to this before, still cracks me up.
Another one of my favorite, as corny as corny can get.
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick.