Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Dragon Tamer on March 25, 2014, 07:54:30 PM
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I like to laugh, so I decided to crawl out of my hole for a while to see what's going on and to see if anyone had any good jokes to share.
I'll start:
I was playing GTA V yesterday and heard on the radio about the Sweetish rapper "Stockholm Syndrome."
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getting out a bit seems like a good idea mate..go all the way outside now..
it will be nice I assure you.
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I like to laugh, so I decided to crawl out of my hole for a while to see what's going on and to see if anyone had any good jokes to share.
I'll start:
I was playing GTA V yesterday and heard on the radio about the Sweetish rapper "Stockholm Syndrome."
:headscratch: I don't get it.
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What the hell is "Sweetish"?
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:huh :confused:
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Never mind... :noid
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2589842/Trim-wrong-one-Kim-Jong-Un-forces-male-students-hairstyle-known-Dear-Leader-haircut.html
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what does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common :headscratch:
they both can smell it..yet nether can taste it.
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Da Dum Tis*
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A man walks to the doctor. He sits down and starts to explain in a female like high pitched voice:
Man: Doctor please I have had it with my voice. All my adult life I have had a high pithed voice and even though women consider my body very masculine this voice is giving me issues with my self confidence and my girl friend is always commenting about it.
Doctor (in a deep masculin voice): Allright, let's do some examinations to see if we can help you.
The doctor performs a series of tests. He takes blood tests, x-rays and studies his voice chords. After a week of analysing the doctor calls the man back to the office to tell him the news.
Doctor (in a deep masculin voice): I have both good and bad news for you. The good news is that we can perform an operation that will give you a voice pretty much like mine.
Man: Oh golly! Yes!
Doctor: The bad news is that we will need to operate your noodle. You see, you have an exceptionally large member that is causing high stress to your vocal chords.
Man: Oh I see... I will have to think about this.
A week passes and the man calls to the doctor to go ahead with the operation.
Surgery day comes and the operation is a great success. The man loses 8 inches of noodle size but gains a deep and masculin voice.
A week later the man calls to the doctor again:
Man (with deep masculin voice): Doctor, thank you so much for the operation you did. But... I have second thoughts. My girl friend loves my new voice but she is not satisfied with my new noodle size. Please tell me that the operation can still be reversed, please?
Doctor (with a high pitched voice): I'm sorry that's just not possible anymore :devil
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The definition of pornography is quiet simple. Erotica is using a feather. Pornography is using the entire chicken.
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Midway
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Midway
Wondered how long this would take :aok
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUuowDDHmEg
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A man walks to the doctor. He sits down and starts to explain in a female like high pitched voice:
Man: Doctor please I have had it with my voice. All my adult life I have had a high pithed voice and even though women consider my body very masculine this voice is giving me issues with my self confidence and my girl friend is always commenting about it.
Doctor (in a deep masculin voice): Allright, let's do some examinations to see if we can help you.
The doctor performs a series of tests. He takes blood tests, x-rays and studies his voice chords. After a week of analysing the doctor calls the man back to the office to tell him the news.
Doctor (in a deep masculin voice): I have both good and bad news for you. The good news is that we can perform an operation that will give you a voice pretty much like mine.
Man: Oh golly! Yes!
Doctor: The bad news is that we will need to operate your noodle. You see, you have an exceptionally large member that is causing high stress to your vocal chords.
Man: Oh I see... I will have to think about this.
A week passes and the man calls to the doctor to go ahead with the operation.
Surgery day comes and the operation is a great success. The man loses 8 inches of noodle size but gains a deep and masculin voice.
A week later the man calls to the doctor again:
Man (with deep masculin voice): Doctor, thank you so much for the operation you did. But... I have second thoughts. My girl friend loves my new voice but she is not satisfied with my new noodle size. Please tell me that the operation can still be reversed, please?
Doctor (with a high pitched voice): I'm sorry that's just not possible anymore :devil
:rofl
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Chuck Norris once cut through a hot knife with butter.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Shortly after the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris has a house in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, we call this the Bermuda Triangle. He does not like visitors.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked himself just to see what it felt like.
Chuck Norris has 3 fists, one is always hiding under his beard.
There was once a bridge named Chuck Norris. Everyone that crossed it died, nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives to tell the tale.
Why are there no Bruce Lee jokes? Bruce Lee is no joke.
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"Chuck Norris is so amazing, he once shot down a German Fighter plane with his finger by yelling 'bang!'"
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What's black and brown and looks good on an ex?
A Rottweiler
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An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey,it could happen! :devil
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what does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common :headscratch:
:lol :lol :lol :D :D :D
68valu
they both can smell it..yet nether can taste it.
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What the hell is "Sweetish"?
like a lemonhead candy?
68valu
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An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey,it could happen! :devil
you know I am tired of that Irish stereotype :furious
when I am done my whiskey I am knocking you out.
:D
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An ad on 'personals' page:
Want to seek relationship with a female.
Should not smoke
Should not curse
Should not want children
Should not have pets
As a matter of fact should not eat or breathe either
- Necro Filippus
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What did the Leper tell the lady of the evening when he had finished.
You can keep the tip
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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What did the Leopard tell the lady of the evening when he had finished.
That one's even funnier if you spell it "leper" instead of "leopard."
- oldman
(Also: Why did the leper colony poker game end so suddenly? Someone threw his hand in.)
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What's slimy, cold, long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger.
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Why did little Sarah fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
What did little Sarah get for Christmas?
Rabies.
Ok now that i'm done being a terrible person we may resume the normal jokes.
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Whats the difference between 100 dead kids and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
'Man it's kind of scary out here in the woods at night' said the 9 year old boy
'You think it's scary now I have to walk back out alone' said the man
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Wow, this thread has started to go downhill fast...
Can we please change the subject before Skuzzy has to get involved?
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Wow, this thread has started to go downhill fast...
Can we please change the subject before Skuzzy has to get involved?
the topic is jokes.. you started with a very poor one, we are attempting to save this for you.
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Whats the difference between 100 dead kids and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
'Man it's kind of scary out here in the woods at night' said the 9 year old boy
'You think it's scary now I have to walk back out alone' said the man
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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Ok now that i'm done being a terrible person we may resume the normal jokes.
You haven't even started on the dead baby or Sheldon jokes.
- oldman
(but, just as an example:
Sheldon: "Mommy, can I play the piano now?"
Mommy: "Shut up, Sheldon, you know your hooks will scratch the keys.")
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You haven't even started on the dead baby or Sheldon jokes.
- oldman
(but, just as an example:
Sheldon: "Mommy, can I play the piano now?"
Mommy: "Shut up, Sheldon, you know your hooks will scratch the keys.")
If you want dead baby jokes i'll give you one. (Warning it may be offensive to some.)
How do you fit 100 dead babies into a bowl?
With a blender.
How do you get them out afterwards?
With tortilla chips.
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I can't tell the jokes my wife told me here because it would definately lock this thread up :rock
Here's not one of hers:
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."
And another one:
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your bellybutton tomorrow
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
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One day Joe finds a genie lamp and decides to test his luck out. He picks the lamp up and gives it a good rub. The big giant blue genie pops out from the spout and says, “You may begin with your first wish”. Joe out of disbelief says, “YES ANYTHING I WANT?” The genie agrees and says, “there is a catch though, in each of your 3 wishes your Ex Wife will get double of everything you get’. Joe sits and thinks about it and says, “I think I can handle that!” The genie says “then what is your first wish Joe?” Joe thinks to himself and decides that his first wish is 200 million dollars. The genie says, “you do realize that your Ex Wife will get 2 million dollars you know that right?” Joe agrees and says he can live with that. The genie asks “What will be your second wish Joe?” Joe thinks for a little bit and says “my second wish will be to have a HUGE 40 room mansion”. The genie agrees and says “but your ex wife will get one 2 times the size ok”? Joe agrees and says “No Problem”. The genie then says “Joe you have one more wish what can I grant you?” Joe stops and thinks and finally says “ok, my last wish I want you to beat me half to death”
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I can't tell the jokes my wife told me here because it would definately lock this thread up :rock
Here's not one of hers:
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."
And another one:
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your bellybutton tomorrow
:rofl
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A joke... sort of
I was at the mall for Christmas one year and as we all know mall parking is just not a pretty sight.
A new Cadillac was waiting for a car to back out, as the car backs out a small "rice burner" Honda zips in the place where the caddy was waiting for, young kid jumps out and hollers to the "your too slow grandmaw, I'm young and fast" and runs off into the mall.
I couldn't believe what this kid had just done.... before I could even yell back at the kid....the caddy backs up to the end of the lane and then stomps on the gas ramming the Honda into the next row of cars. Then backs up and does this again.... and again... and again... over and over. This kid comes running back to his car being brutally destroyed in front of his eyes.
He is crying "why why why did you do that i will sue you"
A little old frail lady in her 90's gets out of the caddy looks the kid in the eyes and says "Son, you might be young and fast, however I am old and rich"
True story I watched the whole thing with my own two eyes and was crying from laughing so hard!
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally toejams in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
"half time....switch sides"....... :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally toejams in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......
a good start.
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what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......
a good start.
Don't hate the player hate the game :old:
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Don't hate the player hate the game :old:
:neener:
superman is flying along....he is horny as a MF'er.....
he happens to look over and sees wonder woman sun bathing nude.....he thinks....hmmmm
I am superman I could fly over to her real quick get a piece so fast she will never know what happened...
Wonder Woman exclaims "what the hell was that"
the invisible man says " I don't know but my arse sure hurts"
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what do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff......
a good start.
What do you call 100 lawyers in a sealed room with water up to their chests?
Not enough lawyers....
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:rofl
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A joke... sort of
I was at the mall for Christmas one year and as we all know mall parking is just not a pretty sight.
A new Cadillac was waiting for a car to back out, as the car backs out a small "rice burner" Honda zips in the place where the caddy was waiting for, young kid jumps out and hollers to the "your too slow grandmaw, I'm young and fast" and runs off into the mall.
I couldn't believe what this kid had just done.... before I could even yell back at the kid....the caddy backs up to the end of the lane and then stomps on the gas ramming the Honda into the next row of cars. Then backs up and does this again.... and again... and again... over and over. This kid comes running back to his car being brutally destroyed in front of his eyes.
He is crying "why why why did you do that i will sue you"
A little old frail lady in her 90's gets out of the caddy looks the kid in the eyes and says "Son, you might be young and fast, however I am old and rich"
True story I watched the whole thing with my own two eyes and was crying from laughing so hard!
so you are the one that sent it to the reader's digest back in the 70's. that was funny back then and it is still funny today :rofl :rofl :rofl
semp
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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Whats with the long face?" Muhahhahahahahhaahahhaa love that one!
And the duck said put it on my bill!
Three men walk into a bar the fourth one ducks!
Having my singing abilities, jokes and ease of manner I coulda been a big hit in Vegas....
Bonus material...... :aok
A new Chinese restaurant just opened up down the street. I think I'll take a "wok" on over! :rofl I kill myself! :lol
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(https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTeGbEZEh3YSSaFwP3YIbLw4GlmCDn2kIRGGCT7xAgqKCgtiCYP)
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
....
Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."
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A 65 year-old retired man finds himself bored with too much spare time. He decides that a part-time job would solve that, and help offset healthcare expenses. He applies for a job and gets called in for an interview.
HR Lady: "Please define for me what you consider your biggest personal weakness."
Old Man: "Honesty."
HR Lady: "I don't consider honesty to be a weakness."
Old Man: "Who gives a crap what you think....."
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
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I thought of the best joke ever on Friday.
My job... :noid
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Three Irishmen walk out of a bar....
What? It could happen!
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes(he is 66)
we decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors-green,red,orange,blue.my dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
when the teenager had had enough,she sarcastically asked:"Whats the matter old man,never done anything wild in your life?Knowing my dad,i quickly swallowed my food so that would not ckoke on his response;i knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.
Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter"
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It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic basket and splashes it on Marie's face and lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" splutters the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young things.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles, they resume their passionate interlude - and things really begin to get steamy.
Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her lacy underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! She's on fire.
Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river.
Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"
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:rofl