Alright, here’s the background.
Late last night, I crawled over my sleeping harem and headed outside, stark naked. I did however bring a knapsack full of apples. At around 10:32(pm), I see these two big 12 point deer walking towards me. I’ve been in Ohio long enough to know I was about to get gored. So, as is my standard practice, I whip a 3-inch thumb-assist knife I keep in my butt crack, and move it to my left nostril for easy accessibility. They head toward me, and they’re acting friendly, but like I said, I know better. So with one hand on my knife and the other on my knapsack I returned their grunts. Then, at around 10:34pm, it happened. The big one snorted, and lifted its hoof as if to shake my hand. I returned the “hand shake”, taking my hand off of my knife for a crucial second. As soon as my hand and his hoof parted, he kicked me, connecting clearly with the right side of my face. This surprised me, as I wasn’t expecting it QUITE then, but I wasn't hurt. In under a quarter second I had my knife out, extended, and within millimeters of his throat and I was makin all kinds of really wicked kung-fu type sounds. I was ready to deliver a lethal blow, and would have enjoyed it SO much but I knew that it wasn’t quite deer season. But then my conscience kicked in: "You want to get into the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy! This MIGHT be self defense, but if it is considered excessive force, you will NEVER get in!" So, I retracted the knife, and attempted a retreat from the fight, knowing that while I would have NO problems leaving them both fully butchered and dressed, I might just get annoyed enough to USE the knife. With the knife safely back in my butt crack I made my retreat. As I attempted to leave, he kicked me in the face another 73 times. Again, no pain. This deer was pretty stupid; he didn’t realize that kicking a guy in the cheek would cause no pain, as it connects only with bone. I actually laughed in his face at this point, and again made a retreat. They thought to themselves "We've got a 42 year old, 180lb middle aged Catholic school teacher with a wife, three kids, a bad back and a bit of arthritis here, late at night, and he has a knapsack FULL OF APPLES!. Don't let him go; he should be EASY to take down". They were wrong. I looked over my left shoulder just in time to take a 61 more kicks to the left cheek, which knocked me over and over 61 times. I realized I was now in a favorable position and had them exactly where I wanted them. With every bit of strength I could muster, I launched my right foot back and connected solidly with his chest. I’d swear I broke every bone in his body, and he fell backwards over my picnic table and didn’t get up. The second deer was just now joining the fight, and once more, I had my knife out, ready to strike. It was just like in the martial arts movies where they only attack you one at a time. A quick slash to his throat, and plunge it into his back... he'll be no concern and it will be so much fun! But once more, my conscience kicked in. "Even if it was self-defense, you will still have killed two deer out of season" (If I had stabbed them, they WOULD have died instantly; without question.) "And the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy will STILL see that!" So, once more, I begrudgingly closed my blade and returned it to my butt crack. I hopped over the aforementioned picnic table, and ran around in circles across my back yard to put some distance between me and them, just enough to call out loud to my mom. I decided to trust my mom to get there in time to apprehend these mean deer. It didn’t happen. The deer I kicked got up, and stumbled away, followed by his deer friend. On the way, they stopped to pickup my knapsack which I lost in the scuffle. I started to follow them, but realized if it came to blows again, it could be said I was following them with the intent to poach. So, I could only sit and watch as they escaped with my apples.
In the end, my mom has YET to find them, even though I gave her perfect description, and even one deer’s first name! They got away with my apples, (I'm serious!) and my left testicle that I was hoping I might need some day. I’m fairly certain that one deer has every bone in his body broken, and I got out with my jaw completely missing, no left testicle, 56 fractures to my skull, but surprisingly absolutely NO pain.
So the question is: I KNOW you are going to tell me I did the right thing by simply exiting the area. But, would the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy have looked down on me for killing two deer in self defense? If I HAD pursued them to see where they went, could I be brought up onpoaching, or some other charge if it came to blows again? Thanks.
