Unreadable. Have a nice day.
Someone didn't have their Wheaties this morning. Constructive criticism is an art lost on the lazy.
To be quite honest, I agree with Indy's assessment here of what is actually happening. That being said, from a stylistic view I believe it is for the most part well written. I've got a couple quick suggestions to consider:
1. Due to my previously mentioned belief, I would make the tone more neutral -- particularly the introduction. Show the reader what happened, but let him/her decide what it all means.
2. I would have to agree that your interjections of technical equipment and terminology seemed out of place and a little forced.
3. Try to maintain a consistent voice. At some points you seem to be writing from the perspective of a 12 year old kid "My right side hurt awful bad " and others you are clearly at an advanced stage "Sirens once again emphasized the drama of the charge, trumpeting me awake from my painless slumber." I understand the logic of wanting to speak from the voice of each given time, but as a reader (to me at least) it is a bit distracting.
4. Careful with your tense. Depending on your target audience for this piece, the amalgamation of present, simple past, and present perfect can be tough to follow at times. (or stomach, if you are an English nazi
) Again this could be a non-issue, assuming different audiences.
As a whole, I enjoyed it even if I have a drastically different view of what you experienced. It definitely takes some cojones to put it out there in the first place!