Real life parenting question...not sure what to do

[mthrockmor]

I have two daughters, 16 and 6. My 16-year old is a good girl, has never been in trouble. She is getting A's and B's in college prep classes. She loves UFC fighting and likes the whole 'tough girl' image.

Last night I learned that she has been smoking weed. I am completely shocked. My wife and I rarely drink alcohol, do not smoke and have never done any type of drugs. This is simply foreign to us.

We kept her home from school today, took her phone and backpack (in case she has something in there.) We agreed we are not going to fly into a rage, she is not getting shipped off to some military school or intervention. Other then trying to be rational in our response, I'm really at a loss as to what to do. My first thought is to get her into some karate, etc classes to help self-esteem, focus her energy into something sort of UFC.

I know, I shouldn't be asking here but asking family will be potentially prejudiced with other factors. And, no one in our extended family has had their child head this direction. I will ask some family members, etc though I am guessing this group could offer a few thoughts.

OK, anything?

Boo

PS Please, if you don't have anything useful to add just skip responding.

[titanic3]

"Tough girls" do "tough" things. Tell her the dangers of it, scare her of the possibilities of smoking (arrested, cancer, diseases, etc etc). If that doesn't work, talk to her with your wife, alone. My parents do the whole "I love you and do what is best for you, so believe me when I say you'll regret this decision later on in life" on myself and 99% of the time it works on me (lol).

So sum it up:

1. Scare her of the dangers of weed
2. Tell her in the calmest, loving voice that you love her and don't want her to do this, and that it'll break your heart if she continues. Maybe even get your wife to cry for you so it seems even more sincere. Your daughter will be put into guilt mode and drop whatever she's doing.

[FLOTSOM]

well not to make light of how your feeling, but your situation is actually a very common one these days. most teens will start to experiment with drugs and alcohol, it has become part of the growing up process.

there are a million things people will tell you to try this or you can do......almost everyone one of them will be wrong. you are the people who know her the best, so you must look at her as the individual that you know her to be. is she strong enough and maturing as a person to be able to understand that everything has its place and that one thing cannot be allowed to interfere with another to maintain a balance in life?

experimentation or even casual use of weed is not harmful nor detrimental to her health. but if it is over used it can be distracting her from her school work and from maintaining a level of personal motivation to achieve the things in life you know she is capable of as a person. use this chance to teach her proper placement of issues of fun over work in her life. there is a time to kick back and enjoy the simple non destructive pleasures of life and then there is a time for putting aside these things and setting yourself to working.

karate is a good way to help her learn discipline and self control.

if you flip out and make demands that she stop and that it is such a horrible thing for her to do you will push her into doing it, and maybe even worse things, even more. don't demand an end to it, use it as a training tool.

additionally you will teach her that you are an understanding and trusting person in whom she can place her faith that you will look out for her without smothering or burying her, allowing her to live without demanding to take the breaths for her......just make sure you maintain the line that you are her parent NOT HER FRIEND!!!! there is a difference......

good luck!

[AHTbolt]

Talk to her and the answer you will get is "but dad everyone does it". Peer pressure is hard to fight, all teens just want to fit in. That said there is no simple answers, let her know all the bad things that can happen if shes caught and in 2 years she can do what she wants until then YOUR GROUNDED. Good luck. 

[Guppy35]

So she tried it, or is smoking it regularly?  Big difference in how to deal with it then. 

Over reacting would be worse then under reacting.  Kids are going to test the waters.  I remember how my parents handled it the first time I came home from a party a bit 'under the weather'.  I was expecting to get blasted.  Instead it was a very calm 'we understand that you were going to try things.  We just want you to be safe.'  That was it.  I felt far worse then I would have if they'd blasted me.  How could I let these people down like this!

Used that same tactic on my own kids as teenagers.  Got much the same result.  Once they figured out we had a clue, 'trusted them to make the right choices' and didn't ground them for life, it took away the 'forbidden fruit' part of that.  They weren't getting away with anything so what was the point?

Again it's a big difference if she's only tried it a couple times, or if she's a regular user.  If it's the latter then the reaction would be different.

[Shuffler]

So she tried it, or is smoking it regularly?  Big difference in how to deal with it then. 

Over reacting would be worse then under reacting.  Kids are going to test the waters.  I remember how my parents handled it the first time I came home from a party a bit 'under the weather'.  I was expecting to get blasted.  Instead it was a very calm 'we understand that you were going to try things.  We just want you to be safe.'  That was it.  I felt far worse then I would have if they'd blasted me.  How could I let these people down like this!

Used that same tactic on my own kids as teenagers.  Got much the same result.  Once they figured out we had a clue, 'trusted them to make the right choices' and didn't ground them for life, it took away the 'forbidden fruit' part of that.  They weren't getting away with anything so what was the point?

Again it's a big difference if she's only tried it a couple times, or if she's a regular user.  If it's the latter then the reaction would be different.

This works!

I also agree with what was posted by another.... you know your child best.

From your post I'd say you've done a good job of parenting to this point and that you'll all get through this in good shape.

[Hawk78th]

Mthrockmor   <S>

 Ask her if she's thought about the Consequences of smoking weed...( not many good ones,but plenty of bad...). 1st comes weed, then comes cocaine, then.......
 

I agree with Guppy35.  I also agree that The "Peer pressure"  point is ALWAYS around Kids... (good kids & bad kids).

 Maybe she got the  from you somehow, but maybe it was unintentional or not very clear to her...

One last thought..... you are NOT her "Best Friend",  your are her Parents; Parents who try & guide her on the best ways of succeeding in the  future.


Lot's of    and and and  with plenty of mixed in.


 Best of luck !

[branch37]

So she tried it, or is smoking it regularly?  Big difference in how to deal with it then. 

Over reacting would be worse then under reacting.  Kids are going to test the waters.  I remember how my parents handled it the first time I came home from a party a bit 'under the weather'.  I was expecting to get blasted.  Instead it was a very calm 'we understand that you were going to try things.  We just want you to be safe.'  That was it.  I felt far worse then I would have if they'd blasted me.  How could I let these people down like this!

Used that same tactic on my own kids as teenagers.  Got much the same result.  Once they figured out we had a clue, 'trusted them to make the right choices' and didn't ground them for life, it took away the 'forbidden fruit' part of that.  They weren't getting away with anything so what was the point?

Again it's a big difference if she's only tried it a couple times, or if she's a regular user.  If it's the latter then the reaction would be different.

I know this worked on me when I was that age.  I think kids want to try drugs and alcohol because of the thrill of doing something "forbidden" and getting away with it.  If you fly into a rage, they will just do it out of spite.  Like a "hey you cant tell me what to do" kind of thing.

[CAP1]

i'm thinking you're gonna get a very good answer from dicho. he seems to have done a great job with his kid. dicho himself is a great guy too.

[Jayhawk]

Full disclosure, I say this not as a parent, but as a student of psychology and child development.

Like others have said, it is pretty normal for someone that age to experiment with things like alcohol and marijuana.  I think it was smart of you to not over-react.  Encourage a frank discussion on drugs and alcohol, why she does it, does she know dangers, does she know how to safely do it.   A huge part of someone's choice to participant in drugs is peer influence.  I would pay attention to who and how much she hangs out with certain people.  That doesn't necessarily mean restricting her from certain people, unless they show continuous negative influence.  I would also set very clear lines of consequences if the behavior gets worse, be clear, consistent, and follow though.  If grades start dropping, then x.  If you fail a test, then x.  If chores don't get done, then x. If you ever drive under the influence, then HUGE x.  I'm not advocating marijuana's use, but simply telling her 'no' probably won't be successful.

I really hesitated to give my .02 since I am not a parent,  so take my opinion with a grain of salt.  Never let her forget she is cared for and safe at home.

[Vulcan]

My wife and I rarely drink alcohol, do not smoke and have never done any type of drugs. This is simply foreign to us.

tbh if you drink alcohol what is the difference?


My youngest (7) was asking about booze last weekend. I don't drink anymore (probably not for about 7 or 8 years), but do have some spirits left in the cupboard. So I decided to let him have a little taste. I gave him some of my favourite drink to sip - Chartreuse Green - 

I think I nailed that query for at least another 10 years.

[4Prop]

dude its just pot. If she's doing good in school and seems normal you shouldn't be worried at all, even maybe encourage it. as long as she has more priorities then spending all her money on weed, it should be fine. So try to get her interested in things you guys could spend time doing together. like shooting guns,flying,driving, or even MMA classes. something that she likes so she wont be blowing money on pot all the time.

trying to warn her of dangers of pot probably inst gonna work. especially after all these studies to where it shows that marijuana is almost (almost) harmless and does more good then bad. such as- in medical marijuana states there is 5% less drunk driving accidents and 2% less suicides. also no deaths have ever been reported from the use of marijuana unlike alcohol and just about every narcotic out there. I'd consider some up to date research on the effects of marijuana before you go saying shes gonna die from it.

I know when I was younger I used it almost daily. before I started smoking I was usually "in the dumps" about little things and wasn't very active or sociable. I didn't notice the effect it had on me but my parents sure did. and when I told them that pot was the reason behind it, they were almost glad I was smoking. as long as I had bigger priorities, they were fine with it.

every person is effected differently by it but I was the type where I would clean the whole house in 2 hours. I'd say I had a positive effect from it.


its up to you, but I don't think you should jump straight to the conclusion that marijuana is the devil and will kill everyone who touches it like most parents do. simply find out why she does and talk to her about it.

[Shuffler]

dude its just pot. If she's doing good in school and seems normal you shouldn't be worried at all, even maybe encourage it. as long as she has more priorities then spending all her money on weed, it should be fine. So try to get her interested in things you guys could spend time doing together. like shooting guns,flying,driving, or even MMA classes. something that she likes so she wont be blowing money on pot all the time.

trying to warn her of dangers of pot probably inst gonna work. especially after all these studies to where it shows that marijuana is almost (almost) harmless and does more good then bad. such as- in medical marijuana states there is 5% less drunk driving accidents and 2% less suicides. also no deaths have ever been reported from the use of marijuana unlike alcohol and just about every narcotic out there. I'd consider some up to date research on the effects of marijuana before you go saying shes gonna die from it.

I know when I was younger I used it almost daily. before I started smoking I was usually "in the dumps" about little things and wasn't very active or sociable. I didn't notice the effect it had on me but my parents sure did. and when I told them that pot was the reason behind it, they were almost glad I was smoking. as long as I had bigger priorities, they were fine with it.

every person is effected differently by it but I was the type where I would clean the whole house in 2 hours. I'd say I had a positive effect from it.


its up to you, but I don't think you should jump straight to the conclusion that marijuana is the devil and will kill everyone who touches it like most parents do. simply find out why she does and talk to her about it.

Perhaps he's concerned for her safety.... and the fact she is breaking the law.

There have been folks die from using. They just don't list it like they do alcohol. They also list alcohol related accidents even when it is the person not drinking at fault. Oh yeah... alcohol is also medicinal.  That hardly means anything in this conversation.


I'm not saying pots should be legal or illegal..... just that right now it is illegal.

[4Prop]

Perhaps he's concerned for her safety.... and the fact she is breaking the law.

There have been folks die from using. They just don't list it like they do alcohol. They also list alcohol related accidents even when it is the person not drinking at fault. Oh yeah... alcohol is also medicinal.  That hardly means anything in this conversation.


I'm not saying pots should be legal or illegal..... just that right now it is illegal.

invalid. not to start a pot vs alcohol battle here but that isnt true. you dont get prescriptions for a bottle of Jack.

the people that have died was because they made dumb decisions while influenced.

[Shuffler]

invalid. not to start a pot vs alcohol battle here but that isnt true. you dont get prescriptions for a bottle of Jack.

the people that have died was because they made dumb decisions while influenced.

lol all alcohol does not come in liquor bottles