Golf.
Why is this wonderfully maddening, royal and ancient game still played in the 21st century? What is it about this exhilaratingly taunting game that can make grown men cry, mold men into boys, make preachers swear and atheists pray? It is, without a doubt, the most infuriatingly challenging, temper-bendingly complex, sublimely enjoyable sport on earth. Simply put, it’s the best damn game ever invented.
No one disputes that golf is the most difficult of all games to master. But how can this be, since as the golfer prepares to hit his shot, neither the golf ball nor his target is moving? No one ever tackles the golfer. No one ever tries to catch or deflect the ball, and no one ever hits the ball back at him. And yet, making the flight of a golf ball behave consistently is harder than walking on water. Lifetimes are spent trying to change low, screaming, banana slices into high, gentle draws.
Golfers routinely shell out obscene amounts of cash for the latest sets of irons or newest, high-tech drivers without blinking an eye. And they gladly fork over $4 each for the latest, soon to be lost, revolutionary new golf balls. Oh, and don’t forget the books, videos, magazines, training gadgets and gimmicks.
Let’s face it. Golfers are suckers. If all the distance and accuracy promised by all the products they’ve bought over the years actually made it out to the course with them, every par 4 would be a drive and a putt and the average golfer would be playing on Sunday afternoons with Phil Michelson, Bubba Watson and Dustin Johnson. But sadly, the reality is no matter how much money the average golfer spends, he can’t buy a birdie and certainly can’t break 80.
Some days the golf swing is so easy, even effortless. And other days it is nowhere to be found. Sometimes a golfer gets so confused and confounded by his so-called swing that he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass. But, therein lies the unrelenting, magnetic pull of golf.
It’s often said after a bad bounce or lipped out putt, “Man, that’s not fair.” But nowhere in the rules of golf does it say that golf will be fair. The rules do say, however, that every stroke shall be counted, even the ones that miss the ball. There is no such thing as a bad bounce or a good bounce in golf; it is simply the “rub of the green.” Golf makes no accommodation for double faults or foul balls. It’s just the player against the course, and when crunch time comes, there are no co-pilots, pinch hitters or time outs. In baseball, a 450-foot shot over the wall definitely counts more than a drag bunt single down the first base line. But in golf, a three-foot putt counts the same as a 300-yard drive, thank you very much.
True golfers are totally and utterly addicted to the game and freely admit it. Every mirror or window passed by is a chance to check a position at the top of the swing. Every pretty day is an excuse to sneak away from work a little early for a quick nine holes. Golfers live for daylight saving time.
There is nothing in the world more pitiful than watching a golfer with the yips. And, when a golfer’s swing goes bad, it can get ugly in a hurry. The post play description of a bad round sounds like a square dance call at the Tennessee State Fair: “Hooked it to the left and sliced it to the right. Hit it thin, hit it fat, boy what a sight!”
But when a golfer does manage to find his swing, even for just one glorious, TV shot, the world is perfect again and his hope to master the game is resurrected. He resolves to keep that swing for all eternity, usually only to lose it on the very next hole.
