Author Topic: Mother in Laws...the ultimate evil in the universe... (Read 2383 times)

capt. apathy · « **Reply #60 on:** November 20, 2004, 03:17:15 PM »

no, handle it yourself.

having your wife stand up for you won't do much to earn you respect. also, if the mother in-law refuses to be reasonable, you can afford to have her hate you (from her house not yours).
if your wife handles it and it goes badly, it could be an on going problem between her and her mother. you don't want to risk that any more than you have to in dealing with the problem. very few women can have a major conflict with their mother and be happy for very long. and if your wife isn't happy you won't be happy.
think out what you intend to say first, what you intend to say to likely responses from her. no yelling, no exaggerating the problem, no threats(simply tell her what is acceptable and if she doesn't comply ask her to leave. no do this or else, thats for kids not adults). give her no ammunition, nothing, no matter how small that she can focus on to avoid missing the point and making you the bad guy. pick the time so that no one unexpected comes in and makes it public and unnecessarily embarrassing for her.

you should handle it but your wife should be there too. you are gonna have a hard time getting through to the MIL if she offended from having to listen to her own child teach her about manners.
I'd recommend having your wife in the room and watching so your MIL knows you have your wifes support but avoid joining so the MIL won't feel like you're ganging up on her. she should be ready to say she is also offended by the behavior and completely supports your need to put a stop too it, but only if your MIL tries to drag her into it with the "are you going to let him talk to me that way". if this happens she needs to be clear and don't back down. no "leave me out of this" or "you guys work it out", you are married she needs to let it be known that you guys won't be divided by this kind of thing.

if you aren't able to put a stop to the gossip and BS, at least by confronting it, and your wife showing support, you will significantly reduce the amount of bad-mouthing her family is willing to do in front of her.
even if it gets ugly the practice in teamwork will come in real handy when the kids get older.
also your standing up for yourself (And your family/home) shows your wife that you are willing to protect your family.
her backing you up, especially when the problem is her mother (no small or easy thing to do) lets you know you can trust her to stick by you when things get ugly. having made it through this she will find it much easier to speak up and put a stop to it if her family starts talking trash when she is alone with them, or worse if they do it in front of your kids.

all of these things will go a lot farther to strengthen your marriage than to let the MIL continue to undermine you.

and the most important thing. remember your need to have her support you in this conflict, if someone in your family is ever dis-respectful to her.

if I had to name the most important thing in keeping my marriage together for the last 20 years, it would have to be -
not to let anybody come between you, not family, friends or even your kids. deal with every insult or slander to your spouse at least twice as seriously as if it were done to you.

Airhead · « **Reply #61 on:** November 21, 2004, 11:13:02 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by capt. apathy
I couldn't dis-agree more with this part of your post.

if you want to kill a marriage, just let the partners lose respect for each other.

having it become common in her family for them to talk trash about you is a nice seed to start killing any respect your wife has for you. it wasn't just the mother in-law who thought this was OK, there was someone on the other end of the conversation too.

in any relationship, from your marriage to your dealings with the kid at the drive-up window, you teach people how to treat you. every single time you allow people treating you like crap, you're teaching them and anyone who observes it (including your wife and kids) that either -
1. it's OK to treat people this way
2. it's OK to allow people to treat you this way
3. that the gossip must be true because you don't confront it
4. that you won't do anything if abused, so it's OK to be dis-respectful, abusive, rude or inconsiderate to you

which one (or more) of those messages do you want to send to your wife and kids?

how long before your wife and kids make the transition from overhearing this sort of thing, to having people do it in front of them, to them joining in, to providing ammo for the in-laws, to your kids thinking you are a joke, to your wife losing respect for you and looking for a husband she can respect.

maybe you could just put up with it for awhile. just let it go while you put up with it. at least until the day you can't take it any more and have a nice and usually public melt-down. that way talking trash about you won't just be fun for the gossips in the family. the people who know about the family gossips, and don't put much weight behind what the gossips say about others, get to join in the fun. because when you finally can't take it anymore and lose control, you will prove the gossips right and demonstrate what a clown you can be.

it is way better to deal with this sort of thing early on when it is just annoying and unacceptable. wait until you are mad to act and you will likely do or say something you regret, making you the unreasonable one.

it is not unreasonable or hostile to demand people to treat you with respect. this goes double in your own home. triple if these people have any contact with your wife and children.

what is unreasonable is to repeatedly let people treat you badly and then, after you've spent all that time teaching them that you find that sort of treatment acceptable, one day decide you've had enough and suddenly change the rules on them.

Heya Capt., I wouldn't respond if anyone else posted this, but you and I agree on just about every issue, and we have similar lives, so here goes-

Let's take a hypothetical- Your mother in law is visiting- she's riding you pretty hard, obviously you don't like each other- so, things come to a head, and you have two options-

1) Get angry, make her leave, scream, stomp off all pissed off

2) Put up with it, tune her out but keep a Prozac-like smile on your face, make up a short-timers' calandar, celebrate when she's gone, or-

Well...we're on the opposite ends of this one, Captain.

Respect? I've reacted with option No.1 a few times- Get angry, refuse to have her in my home and me visit hers, etc., etc.- every time she's pissed me off it was all her fault, of course- (it's like prison in this thread- we're all innocent men)- but I quit doing that and it's been almost two years since she last found the right button to push, triggering a meltdown.

I quit Option No. 1 because I didn't want my daughter seeing me kick Grandma out on the streets. That was one reason. Also because my wife appreciated it- she knows her Mom's wretched at times, and she's anxiously watched for my reaction at some of her Mom's more vile insults directed at me- and she respects and appreciates the fact I can remain civil.

Apathy, you said this-
"having it become common in her family for them to talk trash about you is a nice seed to start killing any respect your wife has for you."

And I say-
"remaining civil in the face of rudeness from your in- laws will gain the respect of your wife."

One way to find out- Ask your wife. Show her this Thread (mine has read it already) and ask what she thinks- then post again. In fact every married man here who has a strained relationship shold show this thread to their wife- it might open a dialog and you might be surprised at what they'd say.

Muckmaw1 · « **Reply #62 on:** November 21, 2004, 11:45:20 AM »

Believe it or not, my wife and I are doing so great, it is beyond belief!

I hope the PPD does not come around like it did after the birth of our first.

However, we are getting along even better with her mother in law in the house. Why? Because my wife sees it as an US-Vs.-Her type deal. Whenever her mom pisses her off...and she has...ALOT, more than me...the wife comes and vents to me, and I listen attentively. She really appreciates it.

23 days.

eskimo2 · « **Reply #63 on:** November 21, 2004, 01:41:45 PM »

So how did the conversation go with your MIL last night? All OK?

eskimo

capt. apathy · « **Reply #64 on:** November 21, 2004, 02:38:37 PM »

I'll take #1 but do it before I get so pissed that I do the stomping and yelling thing.

the trick is refuse to put up with it while you are still the more reasonable of the people involved.

there is no reason to let your temper get the best of you so you look like a clown. just tell people what they are doing that is unacceptable and if they refuse to change it, show them the door.

early in our marriage I had one of my wifes sisters spending the weekend with us. she continually put her 2 cents in on pretty much every aspect of our lives. from telling me what household chores should be mine to criticizing the way we raised our son.

I mentioned to her where the line was as far as what was her business and what subjects she should just STFU about while under my roof. she wasn't much of a listener and her mouth continued to run for the next half hour or so.

when I decided she obviously didn't think she needed to pay attention to what I said, I just stepped out the front door into the hallway. I then stepped back in and said "hey, check this out"

she stepped out into the hall, looked around and asked "what?" just as I shut and locked the door behind her. I then went into the kitchen, tossed my wife the car keys and told her her sister was ready to go home.

I never yelled, I never threatened, I never even stopped being friendly. I simply removed the problem from my home.

the sister was pretty pissed off (after standing in the cold hallway for 25 minutes, beating on the door while I explained to my wife why her sisters visit was cut short) and word of this got around the wifes family pretty fast. her mom and other sisters were outraged. her step dad told them all that she had no reason to complain about it, that I had warned her she was over the line and that she was lucky to have gotten a ride home.

the whole mess blew over about 3-4 days later after all of the gossips ran out of things to say about it.

the only real thing that lingered from it is that when I told people what I would and wouldn't put up with, they took me seriously.

by making the point early I didn't have any more real issues after that. just a couple small times where the MIL or a sister would start to cross the line, but they never pushed it when I told them what behavior I would and wouldn't put up with from any guest in my home.

with the exception of your wife and kids, there are only 2 types of people you are going to find in your home - guests and intruders. if they stop acting like guests then they are intruders, and should be dealt with accordingly.

compromise and tolerance are generally positive attributes. but on something as cut and dried as respecting someone while under their roof, or undermine the respect and authority between you and your family, there is no grey areas. there is no '2 sides to the issue'. it's wrong, and it will kill your family if allowed to grow. it is your job to protect your family, and control the influences your children see and the messages they take from it. if you allow it to continue you are simply not doing your job as a husband or a father.

Rolex · « **Reply #65 on:** November 21, 2004, 05:24:04 PM »

All I can say is, "Good luck Muckmaw," and I hope you all survive.

When I was very young, I married a woman and inherited a beast of a mother-in-law also. I feel your pain, brother.

I know this is not your case, but in a few years, my wife started looking and acting closer and closer to the beast. They are now but a distant memory as my first wife and ex-mother-in-law.

Now I'm going to make you sick. My (2nd) wife is Japanese (and so are her parents

) and they live very close to us. My mother-in-law is the same age as me and her daughter (my wife) is well... a little younger than me.

I'm away on a business trip right now and when I get back, the mother-in-law will have cut the grass and fixed the fence, done the dishes, cleaned the house and washed my clothes, cooked some food for me and left it on the table a few minutes before I get home.

She feels sorry for me since the wife went on vacation to Bali with a few friends while I've been away on business.

As goofy as Japan can seem to many who have never been here, or been here for only a short time, the 'men are men and women are women' culture is something to behold. The women are not oppressed or angry wenches - they do it willingly and get enjoyment from taking care of their men - including extended family men.

See? There is hope in the world!

(Good luck, muck)

eskimo2 · « **Reply #66 on:** November 21, 2004, 06:10:36 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Rolex
All I can say is, "Good luck Muckmaw," and I hope you all survive.

When I was very young, I married a woman and inherited a beast of a mother-in-law also. I feel your pain, brother.

I know this is not your case, but in a few years, my wife started looking and acting closer and closer to the beast. They are now but a distant memory as my first wife and ex-mother-in-law.

Now I'm going to make you sick. My (2nd) wife is Japanese (and so are her parents ) and they live very close to us. My mother-in-law is the same age as me and her daughter (my wife) is well... a little younger than me.

I'm away on a business trip right now and when I get back, the mother-in-law will have cut the grass and fixed the fence, done the dishes, cleaned the house and washed my clothes, cooked some food for me and left it on the table a few minutes before I get home.

She feels sorry for me since the wife went on vacation to Bali with a few friends while I've been away on business.

As goofy as Japan can seem to many who have never been here, or been here for only a short time, the 'men are men and women are women' culture is something to behold. The women are not oppressed or angry wenches - they do it willingly and get enjoyment from taking care of their men - including extended family men.

See? There is hope in the world!

(Good luck, muck)

Wow, you live in Japan? What do you do there? Where exactly do you live? (not like I know Japan) What does the area that you live in look like?

eskimo

Elfie · « **Reply #67 on:** November 21, 2004, 07:18:29 PM »

Quote

there is no reason to let your temper get the best of you so you look like a clown. just tell people what they are doing that is unacceptable and if they refuse to change it, show them the door.

I did just that with my father in law one christmas eve. He had been drinking, the more he drinks the more he gripes. I gave him 2 choices, 1) he could stop griping. 2) he could use the door.

He didnt stop griping so I escorted him to the door.

StarOfAfrica2 · « **Reply #68 on:** November 22, 2004, 04:08:57 AM »

Thank GOD my wife's family lives in Japan.

Nilsen · « **Reply #69 on:** November 22, 2004, 05:18:01 AM »

I love my mother in law, but then she is kinda hot for a 55 year old woman and i knew her before i knew my "wife" cause as some of you know she is also my best friends mother

Every time she comes by to help I get extra time to myself and this lovley bbs.

Neubob · « **Reply #70 on:** November 24, 2004, 06:38:31 PM »

Tell us more about the farting.... This day's been way to serious.

Nash · « **Reply #71 on:** November 24, 2004, 07:02:59 PM »

THREAD DOES NOT DELIVER.

Muckmaw.... What ended up happening?

DieAz · « **Reply #72 on:** November 24, 2004, 08:55:59 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Nash
THREAD DOES NOT DELIVER.

Muckmaw.... What ended up happening?

maybe MIL went off on him just guessing.

EN4CER · « **Reply #73 on:** November 24, 2004, 09:04:40 PM »

I have the perfect relationship with my Mother-In-Law - NONE!

Muckmaw1 · « **Reply #74 on:** November 24, 2004, 11:45:19 PM »

General update:

The farting continues.

Last night, my wife served Chili. My MIL was sitting at the dining room table chowing down, and I just sat there glaring at my wife, with the " Do you relize what you've done" look on my face.

20 days to go.

The laundry continues. Did I mention she does laundry every day? I know I should appreciate it, but I just got my electric bill. It literally doubled from last month. For some reason, she has to do laundry every day, regardless of how big the load is. You could put a sock in the hamper and some type of alarm goes off. Must be a senior citizen thing.

So I hear my older daughter crying in her bed yesterday. I ask er what the problem is. She tells me Grandma told her to hang up her clothes or else. She said she tried, but at 4 years old, she can't work these special hangars they make for small clothes. They've got these metal clips that are pretty hard to undo. Anyway, I help her put the clothes on the hangar and she dutifully puts them away.

There's another fart. Someone step on a duck?

Anyway, I come down and tell MIL that my daughter cannot do the clips on the hangar and one has to help her.

She turns around and in a rude fashion asks: "Says Who?"

Now I just left my daughter and it bothers me when I make her cry, let alone someone else.

"Says me" is my reply.

I did not lose my temper but made it clear, this was time for her to STFU and respect my authoritai.

We're good on that one.

Fart.

Ok, so now we've got 10 people coming in, staying in our 3 bedroom house overnight.

THis ought to get interesting.

She's playing the good grandma right now. You know, trying to act like she's enjoying the kids because people are here.

Even my wife is giving me looks like, "Oh geez, she must be kidding.

I think I'll have a glass of wine.

Lazs, is it a felony when you just point a rifle at someone or is that a misdemeanor? No reason....just curious.