Not making your children apologize for abhorrent behavior? Especially young ones? I disagree. I don't believe we teach people to lie just because we make them apologize. We teach them there are limits to behavior. We teach them where the limit is. We also show others around us that we, even if our children aren't, are sorry for the behavior and will make an attempt to curtail it.
If I was the person having my hair pulled and didn't hear appropriate action being taken by the mother I might be tempted to take action myself- this mirrors society's model (i.e. handle yourself properly or society is forced to handle you). I would most likely direct my energy right at the parent. In today's world that will most likely mean the parent and I will exchange some heated words- now there is a wonderful example for the child!
Not to get personal, but I am left wondering where it is acceptable to disallow anything a child does anymore. I was spanked as a child, and most likely earned every one I ever had. I would have laughed heartily at "time out". Knowing Dad was coming home and I was going to get a grade-A a**-whupping sure made me think twice about doing things that were unacceptable. Once I figured out right and wrong I didn't need such incentive.
On a more technical aside, the argument here is one more of motivation and values. Some believe that children will do whatever you ask if you explain it to them. This is not true. Children are people, and people want what they want how they want it when they want it. Children are simply more open about their desires than adults. If explaining right and wrong was all that was needed to make people behave, we could tear down our prisons, right?
For people to behave in any desired way there must be intrinsic or extrinsic motivation to do so. The target with young people is to get them intrinsically motivated, but that means instilling the desired value system, without which intrinsic motivation just doesn't happen. This is where the true magic of education (your own or other children) occurs. How do you make anyone believe your way is the right way? And with children, how do you keep their attention long enough to sway them? You are forced to use extrinsic motivation, and of a type of sufficient discomfort to make disobeying more unpleasant than following their own wishes.
Talking is great, but let's face it, we all have the ability to tune out those we don't wish to hear. We learn that as children, by all the talks our parents give us. I say once again, I can remember maybe two talks my parents gave me that mattered at all in the way I thought. I can remember plenty of whippings and why I got them. As I got older I began to understand my parents' motivations, and even began to appreciate their values. Suddenly I didn't need extrinsic motivation (spankings). I had internalized the message (intrinsic). It was part of the belief system. Did spankings make me understand the message better? Indirectly, because if I hadn't been spanked I might never have thought about why I was punished. Without that introspection I would never have had the opportunity to internalize the belief system I now have. I would be a different person than I am today, and I doubt it would have been a better person.
You discipline your children because you love them. You spank them because sometimes it is what they need to make them listen and think. It may seem harsh and brutal, but believe me when I say I get to teach a generation of kids that are raising themselves because their parents don't believe in conventional parenting. Kids will and do develop belief systems as they mature, just don't be sure it will be the ones you wish.
For those that don't spank, fine, don't. That is your choice. Just remember, just as there are those that are abusive on the extreme spanking end of the spectrum, there are those on the extreme end of non-aggressive discipline. Neither work.
