Complete Military History of France

[bj229r]

Saw this on another bbs--it killed me:lol

http://www.wlsam.com/showdj.asp?DJID=23506


The Complete Military History of France - Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years' War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

-- Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War: Tied War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. -

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First

Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."

Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

But never fear - The French are always there when they need us!

[storch]

that's old but funny just the same.  what was left out of that synopsis is the french loss to haitains in 1805 which caused haiti to become the second democratic republic in the western hemisphere after the United States.  yes, france lost to the haitians.

[KgB]

Name one war won by only USA alone please

[firbal]

The Spainish American War.

[lasersailor184]

The Civil War.  The American Revolution.

[Chairboy]

Actually...  the French made decisive wins that helped us in the American Revolution, specifically the Battle of Chesapeake.  Their naval win made the british surrender at Yorktown possible.

[z0rch]

Name one war won by only USA alone please

The American Revolution.

We had the help of France and Poland.

The Civil War.

We also lost this one.

The Spainish American War.

I think Texas helped us with this one. (Back when they were an independent nation, as they should be.)

We did kick Panama's butt when Noriega threatened to snitch out Bush I, and stomped some cuban mercs in Grenada for some reason.

[Shuckins]

"La garde recuil!  Sauve qui peut!"

[john9001]

small correction here, in the American Revolution, the americans got help from france only after proving they could beat the british in a major battle, (saratoga i think), then spain joined france against england and england declared war on holland because the dutch were smuggling gun powder to the americans.

so the "American Revolution" turned into a mini world war to see who could grab the most islands in the caribbean. the islands produced sugar which was the oil of the day.

no blood for sugar.

[NattyIced]

Originally posted by bj229r
- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
 

I've seen this piece of absolutely horrific stupidity being circulated as chain letters before, but this one always pisses me off. I must preface my argument by stating I'm American, but I ****ing know history. America did NOT save France and it was not a tie amongst the Allies vs the Central Powers. Americans had a factor in the war, but only as French soldiers and airmen up until the point America joined the war in 1917 - and the only purpose the American military served was absorbing bullets. THREE YEARS after the fighting had begun. The Lafayette Escadrille, and Americans serving in French regiments, had more effect on the war than the entire American "armed services" did. In WWI, our military was nonexistant and training to get the doughboys into the war was pathetic at best.

Giving the French **** might be fun, but I'll be damned if ignorant smacktards will be the ones doing it.

[lasersailor184]

Actually... the French made decisive wins that helped us in the American Revolution, specifically the Battle of Chesapeake. Their naval win made the british surrender at Yorktown possible.

Bull****.  The french only stepped in when the battle was already won.

The only significant contribution they had to the war was hiring a PRUSSIAN to help train US troops at Valley Forge.

I've seen this piece of absolutely horrific stupidity being circulated as chain letters before, but this one always pisses me off. I must preface my argument by stating I'm American, but I ****ing know history. America did NOT save France and it was not a tie amongst the Allies vs the Central Powers. Americans had a factor in the war, but only as French soldiers and airmen up until the point America joined the war in 1917 - and the only purpose the American military served was absorbing bullets. THREE YEARS after the fighting had begun. The Lafayette Escadrille, and Americans serving in French regiments, had more effect on the war than the entire American "armed services" did. In WWI, our military was nonexistant and training to get the doughboys into the war was pathetic at best.

Our military DID save France.  It saved Britain too.  Don't claim you hate people ignorant of history when you are ignorant of it yourself.

Just before US entered, the west campaign was a stalemate.  Everything the allies had vs. about 3/5 of what Germany had.  

Just before we got there, Russia got it's bellybutton kicked by germany in the east.  Germany then tried to train / ship all of the east front soldiers to the west front as quick as possible.

It is a FACT that had America not been there, germany would have easily over run the west lines.

[Swager]

Whoa!  Don't have a cow, man!

[storch]

the cold war (or wwIII). we won it alone dragging the shortbus riders known as our "allies" every step of the way.

[FiLtH]

An ally no matter it's history, is better than another enemy.

[NattyIced]

Originally posted by lasersailor184
Just before US entered, the west campaign was a stalemate.  Everything the allies had vs. about 3/5 of what Germany had.

A stalemate is a never moving line. That was 1914/1915/and some of 1916. Most of 1917 it moved dramatically. American forces arrived in Summer of 1918.
 

Originally posted by lasersailor184
Just before we got there, Russia got it's bellybutton kicked by germany in the east.

No, it didn't. It had an internal revolution which left much of it's military in disarray. Communism gained it's foothold then.  

Originally posted by lasersailor184
Germany then tried to train / ship all of the east front soldiers to the west front as quick as possible.

Some, not all. Russia reached a peace agreement with Germany but German forces remained on the Eastern front.

Originally posted by lasersailor184
It is a FACT that had America not been there, germany would have easily over run the west lines.

The first part of the Sommes offense was entirely British, French, Australian and Canadian. The second part involved 130,000 Americans. Far less than the British or French had in.

Yes, Americans fought and helped. The deciveness they had was simply bullet absorbing bodies on the ground.