Note: I tryed to send this PM and it was too big. No e-mail link, so here it goes.
All the best wishs for you and your family during this sad time bud.
I can relate to your loss and the statement of Dad being your best friend.
My Dad past away in July of `97, also of congestive heart failure.
We were truly best friends. We did pretty much everything together.
We stood by each other through good and bad times. Man I had my runs of bad times. (read that Outlaw)
Dad never gave up on me no matter what and it was understood in the family that we were a team and stood up for each other.
Family and friends expected a pretty well total meltdown from me when Dad passed away.
I was sort of in a unreal like state for a week or so. I just sort of muddled through and tried to be support for Mom and all the Grand kids who thought he hung the moon. I went about trying to put things in order for Mom and get her squared away. When I finaly ran out of things to do to occupy my mind.........I was at a total loss about how to deal with it. I basicaly just wanted to be myself or just me and my wife for the most part. Not much was said, but I could feel the eyes watching me, waiting for me to fall apart. I couldn`t. JUst couldn`t get a grip on it. I was pretty much doing a slow meltdown because I just didn`t know how to grieve for someone who was like a part of me. Wife kept telling me that I couldn`t keep it all inside or it would eat me up. I was just at a total loss.
Dad had wanted to go to Sturgis with me in `96, but he was recovering from a surgery, so he said "Cat, I`m definitely going in `97".
That is what finaly got my head out of my.......well you know. Along came August knocking on the door. It dawned on me while I was just kicking around in the shop one day and looked over at the the old scoot on the kickstand where it had sat untouched since the day Dad passed away.
I walked into the house and told the better half that I had to get away before I lost it. I asked her if she wanted to go to Sturgis which sort of surprised her since I hadn`t even mentioned it for the first time in a 5 year run of going. She said that we didn`t have the cash to go and hadn`t made any plans. I told her to answer the question and she said yes. Thirty minutes later I walked back in the door and threw 3 grand on the table and said "Pack".
When I walked back in the door from Dad`s funeral I took my coat off and grabbed both sides of the dress shirt I was wearing and just ripped the buttons off, threw it in the floor and said that I would never wear the SOB again. I asked wifey poo if she had saved what was left of it and she rounded it up. I took it to one of my daughter`s houses and told her I wanted an 18" by 27" piece cut from the back of the shirt and to seam the sides and ends to make a banner. On it she embroidered
STURGIS 97
In Memory of "Catmo"
This is the one you wanted to make
YOU MADE IT
1925-1997
Away we went straight through to the town of Sturgis S.D. Arrived around 7:00 A.M. , checked into Southside campground and went to our usual camp spot. I sat a beer cooler under a shade tree and there I sat and worked out what I had been needing to do with my wife as a captive audience. I went through my early years with Dad when I was a kid and all the great times we had that was still crystal clear in my mind. Went through the teenage years, good and bad and all the unbelievable crap I pulled and he never , not once, wasn`t there for support, help and to make it clear that two of us would be dealt with no matter what and no matter what came. Went through the after high school , short lived first marriage, then the outlaw years and how still he was there for me, right or wrong. From that point she pretty well knew the rest since that is when we started our yes we are/no were not then Yep we are, relationship which was a continuation of my outlaw years for some time. I finaly got down to the water works when I was trying to explain the emptiness inside I was feeling and how totaly terribly lost I was going to be without him. I explained how I had always been in awe of him and the fact that he hobbled around on both totaly screwed feet that he had acquired in the war without a complaint one. Not one. Never. He would work through problems quietly and always seemed to come up with a good solution to them. He enjoyed life more than anyone I have ever came in contact with. Everyone that spent more than an hour around him became instant friends. We went through all of this , sitting there on that beer cooler and I went through a few cool ones during the process. I can`t tell you how much it helped.
It was after Noon when I finaly got up, set up the tent, and placed the memorable banner directly over the tent entrance. We both did a toast to "Catmo", his nickname he had acquired because he refered to everyone as Cat.
For 6 days in that campground, when we were in camp, first one, two , three, four..on and on would wander up and ask who Catmo was. Most everyone would hear what I had to say and smile. Most would up a toast to "Catmo" We would always end up laughing over some of the funny stories I told over some of Dad`s pranks, stunts and sayings, then others that had lost a Dad or loved one would have a funny story.
Bud, that`s where I figued it all out. Catmo had gone nowhere. He had done so many great things for folks and made so many laugh that a part of him would always be there.
Now the thoughts and stories of Dad are not sad ones, but instead memories of the good times and the laughter.
Guess this is quite a rambling story here and I don`t know if you will understand where I`m coming from or not.
Bud, what I`m trying to say is just hang in there through the first foglike days and the confusion. Find a way to get away from those who are hanging pretty close trying to help, but or really not.
Go somewhere you and your Dad shared good times together. Sit down and go through your lifetime together. Once you start, the rest will come. Work through the grief and the loss, then remember all of the good times and the things he left you with that noone can ever take away.
I think you , like myself were a couple of the lucky ones. Our Dad`s were a big part of our life. Many out there never got to experience a Dad being a part of their life, not to mention best friend.
I`m here if you find a need for a sounding board. Just give me a shout.
