After being with her for over seven years (married more than half that) my ex-wife just one day upped and left.
-That morning I was running late and I kept hearing a buzzing noise. I traced the noise to our cell phone that was inside a box that was inside a container on the top shelf of the bookcase above my computer desk. Odd place for a phone, huh? Also keep in mind that we shared one cell phone which she usually kept but on bad weather days she'd have me take it as I had a long drive to work. I opened the phone and there was a text message, "Good morning beautiful." I didn't have time to make assumptions or to ask questions so I took the phone with me to work.
-On the way to work her best friend called the phone. When I answered it she was surprised, "What are YOU doing answering the phone?" I told her I had the phone that day and to reach her at the home #. I also told her to tell my ex that I had the phone so she wouldn't waste a lot of time looking for it. I was still under the impression that I was misinterpreting the message or that it might have even been a wrong number.
-I get to work and spend a few minutes going through the text message history. It was blatantly obvious that she had been having a virtual affair with this guy. I didn't know if they had ever actually met as the guy lived 1000 miles away. I knew OF this guy as being one of her online gaming friends but felt like he wasn't a threat as I was told that 1> He was gay and 2> He had several kids with his ex-. My ex- was NOT a family oriented person and I figured she'd have no desire to jump into a situation like that. Besides I simply trusted her and would have done so even if those weren't the case (#1 obviously ended up being a blatant lie).
-I spent about 30 minutes on the phone trying to get a hold of her. She wasn't answering the home phone. Later on her work phone went unanswered. Her friends gave me a simple "I don't know" and even her family claimed they hadn't heard from her. I went ahead and finished my shift that day. I had a feeling she wouldn't be home but if she didn't want to talk she didn't want to talk.
-I got home that evening and yes she was gone. So was a whole bunch of stuff. The house looked like it had been robbed. She also took our dog (but left our two cats and her two rats). She didn't really take anything that was considered to be "mine" but she sure took everything that was "hers" as well as most of the stuff that was "ours".
-I "hacked" into her gaming accounts (I use the word "hack" loosely as the passwords were already saved it was really just a matter of opening it up - not unlike how AH does it) and chatted with some of her co-gamers online trying to find out if they knew what had happened. I had an interesting conversation with one woman who claimed this same guy seduced her as well. She left her husband and four kids to go move in with him but two hours into the drive she decided it was stupid and turned back before it was too late. Apparently this guy had a history of that and didn't have a good reputation with the women in this RPG game (which was a "MUSH" or "MUD".. basically a text-based version of a WoW type of game).
-The next day I took the day off work and went with my dad to her work. Partly I was curious to see if her car was there.. to see if she was even still in town or if she had booked already. As I pulled into the parking garage she was standing there smoking a cigarette so I parked near her got out and walked towards her. I put my arms out to try to hug her but she backed away. I asked her "what can we do about this? we really need to talk. I don't think this guy is what you think he is. I think you're making a big mistake and need to think about..." and about right then she started yelling at the top of her lungs, "GET AWAY FROM ME! DON'T COME NEAR! I SWEAR I'LL CALL THE COPS! SOMEONE HELP!" There were several people near by smoking and several more that were walking toward the building and they all just stopped and stared at me. I held my hands up in disbelief (keep in mind I never got closed than 20 feet to her) and said "Fine.. be that way" and got in the car and drove home. I haven't talked to her since and that was Dec. 23, 2008.
-The next day I was talking to a friend of ours. He was kind of my friend and his wife was more of her friend and we hung out fairly regularly when they lived in town but they moved down to Florida. They were in town about three months prior but staying with family two hours away. I couldn't get off work but she wanted to visit so she drove there and hung out for the evening. When she got tipsy I encouraged her to stay at a hotel and sleep it off for the night rather than try to drive two hours like that. I didn't see her until about 6pm the next day. Anyway I asked him if she seemed strange during their visit and he informed me that they NEVER WERE IN TOWN! I was manipulated back then! He and his wife were absolutely outraged that she used them as an excuse!
-I went to take the money out of the bank. I didn't know what she was going to do with it. My plan was to take out all but $500 as I honestly thought she'd chill out for a few days and then come talk things over. I figured that would get her by until then but she had cleared out all but about $100. It wasn't a huge sum of money but it was all I had!
-Two weeks later I was served with a restraining order with claims of stalking, abuse and about eight other similar incidents, all of which were completely false.
-Shortly after that I get a call from the landlord complaining that rent hadn't been paid in over two months. I also discovered the electric bill hadn't been paid. She had been hoarding all of the money over the last few months, I guess to fund her leaving me.
The funny thing is that she truly did run away. She has no contact with her parents or siblings. She has almost no contact with her old friends. It's like she just disappeared off the face of the earth.
All I can say is THANK GOD we didn't have any kids. We tried but after three very early miscarriages (possibly more) it was determined she couldn't carry. That's probably a good thing.
And I had no clue! Looking back I can see a few signs that last month or so but at the time... well until that last weekend I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. We had a great relationship! Hardly ever argued. Always knew what each other wanted.. finished each other sentences.. had lively and interesting discussions. We really were in sync with each other so why it happened and especially HOW it happened is still a complete mystery to me.
Yeah I played a lot of Aces High but she played a lot of her games too! At least I would have never in a million years left her for someone I met on here! (Even if there WERE more women!) It was still just a game and if more important matters popped up they were of course of a higher priority.
Maybe she stopped loving me? Maybe she was bored with me? Maybe she just went insane? Maybe she got back into drugs? Who knows it's a moot point now. Once I got that restraining order I knew there was no going back and all of a sudden none of that mattered any more. Her attempt to hurt me backfired.. it was actually the best closure I could possibly get. You don't go back from a restraining order. I didn't even bother to contest it (although I doubt seriously she even bothered to show up for court herself).
TnDep if you want to try to scavenge your relationship then by all means go for it but don't forget this: Even if you do get her back no matter how hard you try things will NEVER BE THE SAME. Whatever reasons she had for leaving you (and they may have had very little to do with your being 'lazy') she's still going to expect those reasons to return and in the back of her mind she will ALWAYS be expecting that to happen. I honestly feel that if the reasons she left you were the reasons you're beating yourself up over then she would have approached things differently. She would have seeked counseling, or discussed things with you, or something. I'm sorry but people in those kinds of situations don't just simply leave and rush into a divorce filing.
The simple fact that she's working on a divorce less than a month after the fact tells me there's something else at play here. Maybe another guy? Maybe she just wants a fresh start? Maybe she doesn't feel like she loves you anymore? Maybe she's gay? Maybe she got tired of watching you beat yourself up all the time like you are right now (hmm I think I'm on to something here)? Who knows? My point is that you need to put her needs aside and tend to your own needs. I know it hurts (believe me I know it hurts) but you have to learn to do what it takes to make yourself happy and the rest will follow.
Buying her flowers now and trying to woo her back... well it's a REALLY REALLY bad idea and will do more harm than good. The last thing you want to do right now is look desperate. Kindly decline the divorce (there is no judge in the world who is going to grant a divorce this soon with one party objecting.. instead he'll grant a separation for a period of time especially with kids involved). Live by yourself for a while. The only chance you have at getting her back is to show her that you're a great and confident person. The more she sees that in you the more she's start to think that she made a mistake and who knows.. after several months or so she may come back around.
But trying to get her back right now.. it's not going to happen. Be patient and learn to work on yourself. Give her some space or else she's just make a joke out of you.
And definitely don't give up the things that make you happy because of this.
