Jokes

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[guncrasher]

A joke... sort of





I was at the mall for Christmas one year and as we all know mall parking is just not a pretty sight.

A new Cadillac was waiting for a car to back out, as the car backs out a small "rice burner" Honda zips in the place where the caddy was waiting for, young kid jumps out and hollers to the "your too slow grandmaw, I'm young and fast" and runs off into the mall.

I couldn't believe what this kid had just done.... before I could even yell back at the kid....the caddy backs up to the end of the lane and then stomps on the gas ramming the Honda into the next row of cars. Then backs up and does this again.... and again... and again... over and over. This kid comes running back to his car being brutally destroyed in front of his eyes.

He is crying "why why why did you do that i will sue you"

A little old frail lady in her 90's gets out of the caddy looks the kid in the eyes and says "Son, you might be young and fast, however I am old and rich"



True story I watched the whole thing with my own two eyes and was crying from laughing so hard!

so you are the one that sent it to the reader's digest back in the 70's.  that was funny back then and it is still funny today 


semp

[pipz]

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Whats with the long face?" Muhahhahahahahhaahahhaa love that one!

And the duck said put it on my bill!

Three men walk into a bar the fourth one ducks!

Having my singing abilities, jokes and ease of manner I coulda been a big hit in Vegas....


Bonus material......
A new Chinese restaurant just opened up down the street. I think I'll take a "wok" on over!     I kill myself! 

[skorpx1]

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

....


Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

[Widewing]

A 65 year-old retired man finds himself bored with too much spare time. He decides that a part-time job would solve that, and help offset healthcare expenses. He applies for a job and gets called in for an interview.

HR Lady: "Please define for me what you consider your biggest personal weakness."

Old Man: "Honesty."

HR Lady: "I don't consider honesty to be a weakness."

Old Man: "Who gives a crap what you think....."

[Dragon]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."



The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[Dragon Tamer]

I thought of the best joke ever on Friday.
























































My job... 

[Widewing]

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar....




What? It could happen!

[lunatic1]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes(he is 66)
we decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors-green,red,orange,blue.my dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
when the teenager had had enough,she sarcastically asked:"Whats the matter old man,never done anything wild in your life?Knowing my dad,i quickly swallowed my food so that would not ckoke on his response;i knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter"

[Rondar]

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic basket and splashes it on Marie's face and lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" splutters the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young things.

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles, they resume their passionate interlude - and things really begin to get steamy.

Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her lacy underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! She's on fire.

Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river.

Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

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