texts from last night

[Masherbrum]

(+61): yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

(314): I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
(1-314): How did that happen by accident?
(314): I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.

 

[rabbidrabbit]

(936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

(216): Where the f is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy toejame r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

[Skyeho]

some real gems on that site wabbit. thx 

(281): Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location. 

 

[Tec]

(631): k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads noodle. Lucky? I think not.

[Treize69]

(703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

[Treize69]

(540): My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard


(901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
(601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
(901): ...are you coming on to me?


(408): i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.


(540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
(803): youve hit the jackpot


(905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
(1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood


(301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.


(330): i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.


(703): I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar

[halo342]

(305): i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.

(775): i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd slap her for sure

[halo342]

(705): I think taking a nice dump is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.



(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven



(804): the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
(1-804): i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed



(318): dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
(1-318): what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??



(203): I think my fart just growled at me.



(678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.



(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you


(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u


(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

[Skyeho]

(315): I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him

[Skyeho]

415) I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

[Xasthur]

(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Hahaha

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Oi, oi, oi!

[Curlew]

Very proud of my local guys!!!

(714): Ikea night.
(949): ?
(714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B

[klingan]

Very proud of my local guys!!!

(714): Ikea night.
(949): ?
(714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B

 

[Treize69]

(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started squeakin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....


(917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
(914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian


(732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.


(603): Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

[rabbidrabbit]

(248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

(910): In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of

(620): Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?