I have a problem.
We'll it's not really a problem anymore, since I solved it. It's more my appeal for you to come up with some evil ideas on how to "get even or get back" at my problem.
I, like many other men, enjoy a good cigar from time to time. Alternately, I also enjoy a bad cigar, in the form of what they call "Black & Mild" cigars. I usually smoke a nice quality cigar twice a week, but I always enjoy puffing on a Black & Mild cigar, on my front porch, right before I go to bed, when the world is quiet, and I can just sit there and contemplate life.
At this point I should tell you, I only take a few puffs of these. They look more like cigarettes that cigars, and although I never inhale them, they do relax me. Typically, I'll simply put out my cigar, place it in the ashtray, and re light it the next morning or afternoon, since there is almost always a full cigar there.
This is where things get interesting.
In the last four weeks, I've noticed birds must be stealing my cigars from the ashtray. Both whole cigars, as well as ones that are quite literally "smoked down" to the plastic filter. I figured the birds were building nests with them. Then I got to thinking, "wow, those birds sure are stealing a a lot of cigars, and holy crap they sure take a long time to build a nest".
Then it hit me.
I have a pattern. I usually always go out on the porch around midnight, have my cigar, then out of habit, turn off the porch light, and click the car remotes so the lights blink, so I know the cars are locked.
I started to think, this may be my "tell", and some neighbor kids are stealing my cigars. Now, considering these are pre-smoked cigars, the idea of some dude putting his lips on a cigar that I already had in my mouth, made me want to puke, as I'm sure it makes you want to puke, just reading that. Be that as it may, I decided to go through my normal nightly routine last night, and see if the culprit may show up after the light flick thing.
At this point, I should also tell you, my front porch is more like a walled off gated courtyard, but with a roof. The gate closes and opens with a pull down switch. So technically, it's not just kids walking onto my porch. They are opening a gate and walking into a walled-off court yard.
Last night the trap was set. I did my thing, and feigned that I went to bed after all the clicks of car and porch lights. There I sat a brand new cigar, in the ashtray, just waiting for whoever it was, to come and grab it. I was behind the front door, looking out the peep hole, which offers me a most excellent arch view of gate, chair, table, and ashtray. I had one hand on the porch light, and one hand on the front doorknob, ready to pounce on my young punk victims, and scare the bejeebers out of them.
And then it happened. The unmistakable "click" of the gate unlocking. There I saw a silhouette. He came in, almost tip toeing. He walked over to the ashtray, then looked around, then grabbed the cigar, looked around a again, and slowly walked to the open gate, and ever so slightly closed it.
I was in shock. When I saw who it was, I immediately knew jumping out was not a good plan. This deserved more thoughtfulness, and thus my appeal to you people.
The cigar thief is no child. He's my next door neighbors son, who lives with his parents, and he's 22 years old. The kid is a bum who doesn't even work. His parents are loaded and they pay all his bills, and he drives a very pricey car. he's also about 250 lbs, and about 5'-5. A punk in every sense of the word.
I want to do something really creative. I've thought about everything from planting another cigar, but with a sparkler in it, to shooting him dead upon entry to my courtyard. I think I'd like something in the middle of those two options.
Your help is appreciated, and your plan may be implemented.
