Author Topic: OK, time to lighten up! (Read 2612 times)

Ripsnort · « **Reply #15 on:** July 23, 2003, 04:48:02 PM »

LOL at these jokes!

(I admit I'm easily amused)

BEVO · « **Reply #16 on:** July 23, 2003, 04:50:06 PM »

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads".

The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.

Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads."

Thank you for your cooperation.

midnight Target · « **Reply #17 on:** July 23, 2003, 04:51:03 PM »

Preacher Playing Hooky

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"

midnight Target · « **Reply #18 on:** July 23, 2003, 04:55:31 PM »

Baseball Heaven?

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Maverick · « **Reply #19 on:** July 23, 2003, 10:05:22 PM »

Three Blondes died in an accident trying to jump the
Grand Canyon.

They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates only if they
can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?
The first Blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!
It's the holiday in November when we all get together,
eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must
go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second Blonde, and asks her the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second Blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, bangs his head
on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's
wrong and will have to join her friend in the other
place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third Blonde and
asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St.
Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and
Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear
a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby
cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third Blonde continues, "Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

gavor · « **Reply #20 on:** July 23, 2003, 10:25:17 PM »

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, 'so, do you know how to drive this thing?'.

devious · « **Reply #21 on:** July 23, 2003, 10:40:57 PM »

A one-armed guy walks into the second-hand store...

Gunthr · « **Reply #22 on:** July 23, 2003, 11:15:07 PM »

A priest, a rabbi, a monkey, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead with a talking parrot followed by a man with a glass eye all walk into a bar and sit down on the stools.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Leslie · « **Reply #23 on:** July 24, 2003, 06:04:23 AM »

Little Johnny had to walk past a potato house on his way to school every morning. Every time, there was a lady on the porch who waved and said, "Hi little Johnny" while waving her pinky at little Johnny.

Johnny was curious about this and decided to find out about it, because the lady at the house greeted Johnny this way every time he walked past the house.

He said, "Hey lady, why do you say hi little Johnny to me every time I walk by your house, and then wave your pinky finger at me?"

The lady replies, "Because that's about how big I think your little weenie is...hahahahahaha."

Little Johnny is thinking. Golly-geemit, I'm gonna teach her, that fukin squeak.

Next time, Johnny is walking past the house, and the lady says, "Hi little Johnny" and wiggles her pinky finger at him.

Johnny pulls his mouth apart with his index fingers and opens his mouth wide in reply. "HEY LADY!!!!"

Les

Trikky · « **Reply #24 on:** July 24, 2003, 06:21:30 AM »

Horse walks into a bar, barman says 'why the long face?'

Blank · « **Reply #25 on:** July 24, 2003, 07:59:41 AM »

two eagles on a perch, one turns to the other and says 'can you smell fish?'

Eagler · « **Reply #26 on:** July 24, 2003, 08:14:27 AM »

some funny stuff - thanks

Toad · « **Reply #27 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:20:09 AM »

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Toad · « **Reply #28 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:50:52 AM »

A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place when she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, for no apparent reason, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No".

The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No" to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask, 'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on your life'."

Rude · « **Reply #29 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:51:23 AM »

Three good friends are playing golf together....just as one is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by....the man drops his driver, turns and faces the passing funeral procession, removes his cap and places it over his heart.

One of his pals asked, "Well Bob, that's really respectful of you, but aren't ya takin this a bit too seriously?", to which Bob replied..."Hey guys...it's the least I could do....I was married to her for over 40 years."