Author Topic: OK, time to lighten up!  (Read 2561 times)

Offline rc51

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #60 on: August 02, 2003, 01:18:26 AM »
What's the difference between a studmuffingot and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator don't FART what you take The meat out.

Offline DiabloTX

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #61 on: August 02, 2003, 01:39:57 AM »
Quote
Originally posted by rc51
What's the difference between a studmuffingot and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator don't FART what you take The meat out.


Other than being gramatically horrid, its actually quite funny!
"There ain't no revolution, only evolution, but every time I'm in Denmark I eat a danish for peace." - Diablo

Offline Toad

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #62 on: August 12, 2003, 10:31:18 AM »
Latest E-mailed joke from a buddy:

****


A very confident fighter pilot walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick
glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
 
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
 
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
 
"The, now intrigued, woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
 
The Fighter Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
 
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
 
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
 
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
 
The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen!

Offline AKKarma

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #63 on: August 13, 2003, 05:29:01 PM »
A vulture waddles up to the check-in counter at the airport.  

The guy behind the counter says: "Good morning, do you have any bags to check?"  

The vulture replies:  "Nope, just carrion."

Offline Curval

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #64 on: August 13, 2003, 05:48:36 PM »
A woman is driving down the road.  A man passes the woman in the opposite direction and yells "COW!" at her.

She leans out of her window and yells "prettythanghole" after him.

She rounds the next corner only to be confronted by a huge cow in the middle of the road.  She hits it and both are killed.

Moral of the story:

Women never listen.
Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain that is pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain

Offline Snork

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #65 on: August 13, 2003, 06:13:10 PM »
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Flying as Noser

Offline Toad

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #66 on: August 18, 2003, 12:11:16 PM »
A cowpoke in West Texas was herding longhorn cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard, "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live long day......."

Amazed, he tossed the longhorn calf over his horse's back, mounted and rode quickly to his line shack 10 miles away. There he put the calf into his truck and drove 74 miles to Ft. Stockton, where he took the animal to a vet.

When the vet asked him what was going on, the cowpoke told him, and the vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen.

He agreed while hearing: "The eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away..." - but didn't seem particularly excited.

"Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the cowpoke asked.

The vet, a third generation Okie, said, "Bud, I'm a Sooner, and I've
been listening to buttholes sing "The Eyes of Texas" all of my life."
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen!

Offline JimBear

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OK, time to lighten up!
« Reply #67 on: August 18, 2003, 12:45:15 PM »
Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with  the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."