Author Topic: OK, time to lighten up! (Read 2610 times)

Toad · « **Reply #30 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:51:57 AM »

A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Rude · « **Reply #31 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:55:05 AM »

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

pugg666 · « **Reply #32 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:56:29 AM »

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle.

The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in
high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2
for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one
for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The
mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the
body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two prettythangholes."
"What? He had two prettythangholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two prettythangholes. Every time we went to town, folks
would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two prettythangholes."

Toad · « **Reply #33 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:57:35 AM »

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Rude · « **Reply #34 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:57:50 AM »

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

pugg666 · « **Reply #35 on:** July 24, 2003, 11:39:03 AM »

this blond is sitting at the table wracking her brains out trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle.

she's been going at it for hours and is starting to get really frustrated.

finally, out of complete frustration, she calls her boyfriend and explains to him that none of the peices seem to fit right, could you please come over and help me?

when he arrives he looks at the peices then the box, shakes his head in disgust and says. honey, put the cornflakes back in the box

Steve · « **Reply #36 on:** July 24, 2003, 11:52:51 AM »

Two cowboys are riding the ranch, fixing holes in the fence.
Near the end of the day, the cowboys come upon a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

The first cowboy climbs off his horse,
drops his pants,
gets down on his knees, and
buggers the helpless sheep.

When he's done the first cowboy asks the second cowboy, "Y'all want a turn?"

The second cowboy says, "Heck yes, I want a turn!"

The second cowboy climbs off his horse,
drops his pants,
gets down on his knees, and
sticks his head in the fence.

Monk · « **Reply #37 on:** July 24, 2003, 12:15:51 PM »

TWO ITALIANS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two tulips come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".

"You foul-mouthed swine" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spella 'Mississippi'"

myelo · « **Reply #38 on:** July 24, 2003, 12:55:45 PM »

These two FDBs walk past a bar....

Well it could happen!

Mini D · « **Reply #39 on:** July 24, 2003, 01:19:42 PM »

A man has a girlfriend that he really loves and finally decides he wants to marry her. But, when he proposes, she tells him she can't marry him unless he gets her father's permission. This is a problem because her father is a Polish imigrant and will only give permission for his daughter to marry a Polish man.

In desperation, the suiter goes to see a doctor. He asks the doctor if there's anything he can do to make him Polish. The doctor replies, "Why yes there is, we can remove half of your brain and that will make you Polish." The man decides he loves the girl enough to go through with the operation.

After the operation was complete, the man regained consciousness in the intensive recovery room. The doctor was there with him and imediately said "Thank God you're OK. There was a problem with the operation. Instead of removing half of your brain to make you Polish, we were forced to remove 3/4 of your brain."

The man replied, "Mama Mia!"

MiniD

hitech · « **Reply #40 on:** July 24, 2003, 03:47:59 PM »

What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A fly.

HiTech

SlapShot · « **Reply #41 on:** July 24, 2003, 04:06:30 PM »

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle Dale holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Mike_2851 · « **Reply #42 on:** July 24, 2003, 04:25:30 PM »

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the prettythang. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the prettythang. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake
their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,

"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

midnight Target · « **Reply #43 on:** July 24, 2003, 04:28:48 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by hitech
What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A fly.

HiTech

I'm sorry... but

huh?

Animal · « **Reply #44 on:** July 24, 2003, 04:29:42 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by hitech
What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A fly.

HiTech

I know you rule this place and we are supposed to laugh... but that stunk. BAD.