Author Topic: OK, time to lighten up! (Read 2608 times)

Toad · « **on:** July 23, 2003, 10:41:05 AM »

Night on the town

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

Toad · « **Reply #1 on:** July 23, 2003, 10:47:10 AM »

My neighbor found that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and, after he cleaned both ears, the dog could hear fine. The vet told her if she wanted to keep this problem from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the drug store and picked up some "Nair." At the register the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

My friend replied, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple days."

She responded, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist told her to stay off her bicycle for a week.

BEVO · « **Reply #2 on:** July 23, 2003, 12:41:26 PM »

Life Reflections By George Carlin:

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.Now I'll have to kill you too"

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Gunthr · « **Reply #3 on:** July 23, 2003, 12:52:03 PM »

"The crows seemed to be calling his name... thought Caw."

- Jack Handley

Skuzzy · « **Reply #4 on:** July 23, 2003, 12:55:58 PM »

ROFL Toad!

Mini D · « **Reply #5 on:** July 23, 2003, 01:03:35 PM »

"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

-Jack Handy

Zippatuh · « **Reply #6 on:** July 23, 2003, 01:17:49 PM »

A fit and trim woman of 45 leaves the house to run some errands on her birthday. Being quite stricken with how well she has aged she wanted to ask a few people if they could guess her age.

She stopped and got gas and asked the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “No” he replies, “40”? “Nope, 45, today is my birthday”

She stopped at McDonalds and asked the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “No” he replies, “35”? “Nope, 45, today is my birthday”

She goes golfing and heads to the clubhouse asks the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “Well I can but for me to do so, I need to feel your breasts to be completely accurate”. Intrigued she agreed and let the man feel around for a minute or two when he finally replies, “I bet your 45”!

“You’re right! How could you tell that from feeling my breasts”?

“I can’t, but I was standing in line behind you at McDonalds”

Gunthr · « **Reply #7 on:** July 23, 2003, 01:23:00 PM »

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."

- J.H.

SlapShot · « **Reply #8 on:** July 23, 2003, 01:48:08 PM »

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

He sits down and orders a drink. While he's drinking the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey picks up some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole!

The bartender shouts at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - and swallowed it whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man.

"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all."

The patron finishes his drink, pays his tab and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again.

The monkey happens upon a dish of maraschino cherries on the bar. So, he grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The completely disgusted bartender exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" responds the monkey's owner.

"Man, your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first."

Ripsnort · « **Reply #9 on:** July 23, 2003, 01:56:09 PM »

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his
heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a liberal in the family before!"

Ripsnort · « **Reply #10 on:** July 23, 2003, 02:06:08 PM »

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, .....don't they stay on by themselves?"

Toad · « **Reply #11 on:** July 23, 2003, 02:11:20 PM »

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful old dog into a handsome young prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Curval · « **Reply #12 on:** July 23, 2003, 02:31:18 PM »

Two guys meet regularly for lunch.

One is rich, the other is poor.

The rich guy says "Its my wife's birthday tomorrow. I bought her a diamond necklace and a brand new mercedes."

"Why the two gifts?" asks the poor guy.

"Well, if she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to the store and exchange it.' the rich guy replies.

Two months later the same two men are eating lunch together.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." the poor guy announces, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo"

"Why those two gifts?" asks the rich guy.

The poor guy raises his head and with a smirk replies, "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself".

JB73 · « **Reply #13 on:** July 23, 2003, 02:43:26 PM »

a blonde is on a date with a geography teacher.
"believe it or not, i actually know all the state capitals" she says proudly.
"oh yeah?" says the teacher "what's the capital of wisconsin?"
"thats easy" replies the blonde "it's a W"

SlapShot · « **Reply #14 on:** July 23, 2003, 02:43:42 PM »

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years...

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."