Author Topic: OK, time to lighten up! (Read 2609 times)

SaburoS · « **Reply #45 on:** July 24, 2003, 05:32:57 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by midnight Target
I'm sorry... but

huh?

Think of the fly as a zipper on a man's pants

SaburoS · « **Reply #46 on:** July 24, 2003, 05:33:43 PM »

BTW LOLOL! A lot of good jokes here!

Holden McGroin · « **Reply #47 on:** July 24, 2003, 09:38:34 PM »

A dog walks into a bar, pulls out a stool, sits down at the bar, and dejectedly asks the bartender for a double whisky....

The bartender says, 'Hey look... a talking dog!'

SaburoS · « **Reply #48 on:** July 25, 2003, 02:26:00 AM »

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

pugg666 · « **Reply #49 on:** July 25, 2003, 11:04:46 AM »

ROFLMAO Saburo

Holden McGroin · « **Reply #50 on:** July 25, 2003, 11:09:27 PM »

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?
The man replied, "130". So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, what's the Democratic Party up to these days?"

mietla · « **Reply #51 on:** July 25, 2003, 11:41:32 PM »

Hey, that's a definition of IQ. Adapt, learn, work with what you have and try to use for your advantage.

It's not what you know, it's what you do with it.

You can can have a very low IQ and be be educated, and vice versa, very brilliant and ignorant. Those two traits are almost orthogonal. Not quite, because a smart guy will seek knowledge, but the dolt will be happy with what others feed him.

sling322 · « **Reply #52 on:** July 26, 2003, 12:47:33 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by mietla
Hey, that's a definition of IQ. Adapt, learn, work with what you have and try to use for your advantage.

It's not what you know, it's what you do with it.

You can can have a very low IQ and be be educated, and vice versa, very brilliant and ignorant. Those two traits are almost orthogonal. Not quite, because a smart guy will seek knowledge, but the dolt will be happy with what others feed him.

Hmmmm....I dont get it. Where is the punchline?

Ripsnort · « **Reply #53 on:** July 30, 2003, 01:24:48 PM »

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the time. Why she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing". The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party.

JB73 · « **Reply #54 on:** July 30, 2003, 01:30:46 PM »

i dont know how many times i have seen that one in print (readers digest) or have been told it Ripsnort....

but i love it every time

Skuzzy · « **Reply #55 on:** July 30, 2003, 01:40:35 PM »

An oldie, but goody.

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:"

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK:
Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:
A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. squeak is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK:
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I **** myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bellybutton with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful...

AWMac · « **Reply #56 on:** July 31, 2003, 07:57:13 AM »

What's the differance between a pygmy chess team and a Blonde track team?

One's a bunch of cunning runts.....

AWMac · « **Reply #57 on:** August 01, 2003, 02:58:25 PM »

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked
Al, "are there any Jewish people in Mexico?" "I don't know," Sid
replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Sir are you Mexican?"
The waiter replied, "Yes sir I am."

Well do you know if there are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't
know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No sir, No Mexican
Jews." Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to
the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are
you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!

Holden McGroin · « **Reply #58 on:** August 01, 2003, 06:57:24 PM »

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this ....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

Monk · « **Reply #59 on:** August 02, 2003, 12:32:35 AM »

See how many of ya'll understand this one.

If you do, let me know what posts you were at. If you don't, disregard. Subject: SOP for Taking a Dump on Duty.

First Poster-
Wait until your bellybutton feels like it is going to explode out
through the back of your loose fitting blue trousers. Notify the
detachment Commander and politely request that you be relieved for a head
call. He will get there in about twenty minutes. Go into the head and
proceed to make sure that no one is currently in the head, if there is
someone currently in the head proceed to another head or wait until he is
finished for the cause of weapons retention and safety. Once in the stall
proceed to take off your cover, your black gear, your Velcro belt, and
your kaki web belt. In dropping trou ensure that your shirt-stays are
still good to go and out of the way of any ****. While taking the dump
make sure that you have buckled the black gear around your feet so that no
one can reach under the stall and take your weapon. Repeat the process in
reverse once done dumping. Proceed directly to post one.

Second poster-
Once you think that you might have to go to the head, call
up the detachment commander or one of the authorized persons to stand post
including the Ambassador. Tell them that your bellybutton is gong to blow if they
do not get to post in 15 seconds. Leave you cover on post take the long
way to the head making sure you pass by that "one" FSN with the nice ass.
FLIRT. Finally make your way to the head. Open up the stall, drop your
black gear where you think it won't get any crap on it. Drop trou and
proceed to dump not worrying about shirt stays because you don't have any
on. Repeat in reverse once your done and have had a nice little rest from
post one. Remembering to FLIRT with that FSN again.

Third poster-
Get that not so fresh feeling, put on your shoes, not
worried about the cover because you didn't have it on to begin with, and
your shirt-stays got "lost" in your TMO along with your wall locker
inspection uniforms, call up anyone and if they don't respond in 2 seconds
leave post, walk all over the place to get to the "good" head. proceed to
dump, read a book, and call that girl you plan on getting with that night
on your cell phone (keeping in mind that you left the radio on post) Once
done dumping your shift should be half way over and time for another dump.