Well, my oldest blew it

[Ripsnort]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Culero, considerate posting sir. Good stuff contained within.

[LePaul]

Rip,

I think you did everything just fine.  Your son learned that there are consequnces for not keeping up his grades.  And as you can see, its just as hard on the parent as it is the child

When I was growing up, my grades were known by my folks long before I did.  They all knew my Dad since he was an assistant principal at the high school.  (Which made high school a real joy at times!)

I'm in a tougher spot, as my girlfriend's son has similar issues with his grades.  I try to help him out but he lies or leaves his assignment at school.  She's doing her best to straighten him out but sometimes I feel she is kind of soft.  Now I can't say a darn thing because I'm not the kids parent    But I try to encourage him to get his homework done when he gets home...so my hands are tied...grr.

[Hortlund]

Originally posted by Ripsnort

Think I was too tough on him?

Yup.

It would be a different story if you had made a disclaimer when you promised to take him hunting...something like "you can come if you do well in school this semester". Now it just seems arbitrary and overly harsh. Kids been looking forward to this trip for four months, working hard to take his cource and practicing shooting. And then you just yank everything because you think he is not doing good enough in school?

Too harsh, too arbitrary, no advance warning, no possibility for him to remedy the situation.

[derelict]

As my second son was reaching 12 all he could do is talk about hunting with me.  I told him if I couldn't trust him with the care and attention to detail it took to do his homework, I wasn't going to trust him with a loaded gun.  He didn't take me at my word, and as a result his step sister went hunting with me that year and he wasn't allowed to even go for his hunter's-ed course!  Sucked big time, but I wasn't backing down.  

I told him he had a second chance, that his grandfather wanted to include him in our annual fishing trip to Canada...if he could keep his grades up.  He darn near blew that one too, managed to pull D's up to a C at the last minute.  He just about lost hunting once this year also but managed to pull his head out of his butt in time to salvage it (wasn't doing his homework again).  

Does it hurt to take away special father son time?  You bet ya.  As you see it hurts both parties.  But if I hadn't taken the entire season away from him last year, I would not have gotten compliance this year!  He's doing better, and being more responsible, in part because he remembers having to stay home all of last year while his sister went out!  And I'm sure he's working towards next years Canada trip as well.

You could cave in, make a special concession because....gee whiz, ya never know when you're gonna croak.....and you're last lesson to him will be that personal responsibility is not his responsibility.  I'd rather die knowing that I left behind someone who his willing to work for his future, instead of someone who is going to sit back wondering why he can't have what he wants!

[Dichotomy]

Rip,

I'd say you did the right thing other than the up in the face profanity stuff but I'm guilty of that myself so I can't criticize.  

I've got four with extremely different personalities and buttons that work.  My 14 year old is home schooled because the system was holding him back academically.  He's about to finish up his 9th grade year because he gets on his software and humps the work out.  All A's and B's in all classes.  My 11 year old daughter simply doesn't care about school at all and is currently serving a semester long grounding from everything but school work and housecleaning.  When she has everything done she can read.  My 7 year old and 5 year old are dead serious about turning everything in.  

My opinion is that you reconsider the hunting trip as it wasn't from what I read a condition of making the grades because, as mentioned above, you never know what's going to happen at any given time but let him know if this happens again he won't be going and use the weekend to talk to him about the importance of doing the day to day stuff not only in school but every aspect of your life.  Time alone with a child is as important to them as it should be to all men.  

I know from reading your posts that you're a good man and a caring dad so I'm sure you'll make the right decisions for you and your son.  

Good luck.

Dred

your statement "Excellence is standard, standard is substandard. And substandard will NOT be tolerated. THAT I assure you."

Is printed and on my fridge.  Thank you for that.

[B@tfinkV]

Originally posted by Ripsnort

[snip]
I feel today like I was too tough on him, but dammit, I have high expectations, and for something as easy as just doing the work, turning it in, its not asking for much.

[snip]


Think I was too tough on him?

easy as doing the work and handing it in?

maybe you were a goody goody in school Rip, or maybe you have forgotten what school is like...

for me, there was NOTHING harder than doing an asignment that you have NO interest in. I am well above the IQ level to be considerd genius, not a brag, just the truth. doesnt make me good at work, or sensible, just makes me quick.


Maybe your son is too smart for the crap they make them do in school, maybe your son is a free spirit that will find happiness without the following the sheep path?

sorry Rip, i think you were too hard on him.

maybe though, I will be prooved wrong and he will meet daddy's 'expectations'


bah

[bsdaddict]

Ripsnort, I think you did the right thing.  However, I can relate to "he's not dumb, he just doesn't do the work and procrastinates."  Have you considered that your son might be bored because he isn't being challenged enough?  AP classes might help, or even private school if that's workable for you...

[Maverick]

Rip,

You know the problem isn't a lack of ability to perform the work that has your son's grades in the dumpster, it's lack of resolve to do the work. You told him what the level of grades he needs to do the "good stuff" with Dad. Stick to it. If you relent all you've done is show that your standards can be changed by playing on your emotions. This is a lesson time issue and he needs to know that there are repercussions for not doing the job. I'd leave him home totally. He knew what he had to do and chose not to do it. It's not a case of not being able to perform, it was a choice not to perform. If you don't hold the line, there are no set guidelines then.

[Curval]

Originally posted by Hortlund
Too harsh, too arbitrary, no advance warning, no possibility for him to remedy the situation.

Sounds like life.

[Tac]

Kill two birds with one stone.

Here's what I suggest you do:


Take him on the hunting trip. Your youngest one too.

On the first day out tell him:

'son, you have 10 seconds to take off that orange jacket and start runnin'

turn to your youngest and tell him:

'heres your gun kid. in 10 seconds you get to go after your brother'.

Pop a beer and enjoy how your kids educate each other. One will never procrastinate ever again.

The youngest will not want to procrastinate or he'll end up being hunted.. and will also have the extra reinforcement that if he does good, he'll be staying on the safe side of the gun.

For repeat entertainment, please use salt rounds on the weapons.

[rpm]

Naaa, you were'nt too harsh. He knows you love the other brother more, anyway.

[Jackal1]

Just a thought , but the hunting trip might just be the thing that helps turn him around. Denying him what was promised and planned for might just do the opposite.
Kids are under a lot of pressure and stress nowadays. They need some stress relief just as we do. We forget that sometimes.

[Charon]

I'm really new at this dad stuff, and my advice should be considered with that in mind

But, I think that whether or not the initial punishment was perfect, having made the decision it likely now moves into the whole consistency thing. Backing down can send the wrong signal.

Also, he may even be too smart for public school, the assignments may be boring, but... That's life folks! Welcome to the real world. He will  have his share of boring but required tasks to do in life so he should probably get used to grunting them out when required He may turn out to be a genius theoretical scientist, but even there you probably can't pawn off all the crap work on the grad students.

Charon

[moot]

Lots of good replies already Rip.. I can't tell if you were too rough with just your anecdote.  It's the sort of thing only you can answer.
I can say though, that I used to be very irregular like that.  If some work was fun or interesting, I'd overkill it, but even then there was a risk that I'd get distracted by something else before finishing what was due.  

Your best bet is to find what makes him seesaw like he does, and remedy that.  Don't keep piling onto him if you see it isn't effective.  He has to recognize beyond any doubt that your intent is for him to succeed, not just to discipline him for the sake of it.

[eskimo2]

If he’s procrastinating or just forgetting to turn in his work, you did the right thing.  Geniuses, retards and everyone in-between can develop a habit of getting their work done and making sure that it is turned in.  For some it comes naturally, others have to be taught.  You’ve got to be willing to make it hurt, however.  No pain, no gain.  Some kids learn after the first time they get slammed for messing up.  Some need to have it beaten into them.  The challenge, as a parent is choosing things that cost them much more than it costs you.  If you were really looking forward to this, maybe something else would have hurt you less, but him as much.  If this was the most important thing to him, however, he sure as heck won’t forget it.  

For my kids, right now all I have to say to get them going in the morning is: “Push-ups in the school parking lot?”